Elevator Etiquette

So, when you are standing in front of the elevator, and you have pressed the button, I generally take that as a sign that you are going to get on the elevator. And take it somewhere.

But if your friend gets off the elevator, and you want to chat for a sec before you go eat your sandwich in your office, here is what NOT to do:

• don't stand in the door, talking
• don't block entrance to the elevator
• don't talk so slow that I think you are on Xanax
• don't somehow begin to resemble a Brontosaurus

So, seriously folks, be kind and scoot out of the way. I have places to go. And I don't care if you choose to chat with your friend. I do care when you decide to inconvenience all other people in order to accomplish your talk.

Peace!

Coffee Shop Etiquette

Now, this post is only necessary because of my tiny apartment which I find uninspiring, and my spotty wireless, which is the worst.

But serisously, we've all gone to the coffee shop to work. And in this day and age, we bring headphone, plug in and try to zone in on our work.

This is difficult when the person next to you is yelling her computer passwords to her friend on her cell phone. I can hear her through the new Britney Spears album, which is actually the definition of being too loud.

So, if you go to the coffee shop, take your calls outside, or, just speak more softly.

A Particular Kind of Public Singing

A young man was walking down the street tonight with his headphones on, singing at full volume. I truly believe that he thought he was going to be discovered by a talent agent. The way good looking kids you knew in college are stopped in the coffee shop and scouted to be models.

But this guy, no dice. A bad voice, and bad tonality.

So do me a favor and keep it a little more quiet. I like music, just not your interpretation of that new R&B hit.

Something that will always be okay with me: boys who put their button up shirt on and off without unbuttoning it: see cute, cute Dominic West on The Wire (Season 1, Episode 11).

No Headphones, No Respect

God invented headphones s that people can listen to their own music privately. This is particularly useful in public places, like the train. So when I am waiting for the train, I am often taken aback by people with small, personal electronics that they are using without headphones at all. Strange! Against God's plan, some might say.
Equally irritating, though less 'weird,' is wearing headphone that play your music so loudly that I can hear it despite the fact that it is intended to be private. Again, I don't get it.
This is all by way of saying: Hey, on the train, keep your music (and your hands) to yourself, unless you are the adorable old black guys who sing in faux-barbershop quartets and tell me to smile, baby.

Aggro Swimming

I am not a fan of aggressive behavior. I think it seems a sign of our diminished sensitivity that is so common in our modern world. But honestly, there are some places where I understand it, like getting off the subway or being pushy about your cable guy being 5 hours late. I can deal with it in these contexts, because I understand that it is important to stand up for one's self.

But there is one place where this behavior doesn't make sense: the pool. When I go for a swim, I do s not just for the exercise, but also for the calming effect of the repetitive activity. It's like a meditation. I enjoy that. What I don't enjoy? An 85 year old who swim short laps so he cut in front of other swimmers. Swimmers who try unsuccessfully to pass me and then weirdly run into me. I am over it. I am not interested in this behavior. It makes exercising unpleasant, and it is totally unnecessary. Just swim at the pace of the lane. If you want to swim fast, swim in the fast lane. Unbelievable.

So, if you swim, or run, or whatever, try to be polite and respectful of other people. It's only right, and I do it for you. Also, old cutting in front of people man, pull up your shorts. I saw your old man butt like 4 times.

Subway Underpass Religious Singing Guy

I take the train to school every day, and I pass between the L platform and the 1/2/3 going uptown, which involves an underground transfer almost two city blocks long. It is long! And everyday there is this guy who sings "All My Loving" by The Beatles. On repeat. Every day. There has been only one day when I walked through the underpass and he was singing something else ("8 Days a Week," also by the Beatles). My schedule changes all the time, and I almost enevr take the train at the same time on any two days. But this guy, he is ALWAYS there, and he is always singing "All My Loving" while also selling weird books about converting me to Christianity. And let's be real here, the guy can;t sing that well, and he doesn't actually know the words.
It's time for a new song!

Oh My God! That smells like...

So, I go outside to run down the street and buy a coke at around 10:30 on this Valentine of a day, and I expect this to be a fairly painful task, since I live in 'Mardi Gras-bar-Jersey teenagers in bars' heaven on the Lower East Side of New York. My apartment happens to be sandwiched between several bars, none of which allow smoking inside (good thing), so there are always quite a few young, loud people in front of my building smoking and whatnot (not so good thing). I don't really care.
But the young blonde lady down the street does, because she smells "the weed." Now, I think she is probably from Alabama or some similar Deep Southern state. Her accent is great. Her obsession with finding out who is smoking weed on the street on a Saturday night in Party Central USA is not. Quiet, young lady. There's more where that came from. But unless you plan on attending the special Valentine's Day Counting Crowes-Phish Reunion concert featuring the editorial staff of High Times later tonight, get over it and MOVE ON. Get drunk like the rest of America. Or at least keep your commentary to a reasonable decible level.

Bossy Walking

My next post in a series about terrible urban behavior:

I used to work with a lady who was great, and a good friend, but who had a terrible habit of being a "bossy walker." When we would walk to lunch, or to run a errand during a break, she would literally walk me off the sidewalk. We weren't drunk (during the day), she was just a bossy walker. I would ask her to watch her step, and she would slowly but surely walk me into parking meters, other people, buildings, gutters and traffic.
For the love of God, this is bad behavior. Bad, urban behavior.

Snow Umbrellas

You know what makes me nuts? People who walk around in snowy weather with umbrellas. It's not that much precipitation, kids. It takes up massive amounts of new York sidewalk, which is not that wide to begin with. When it is raining, I will (sort of) abide 1,000,000 umbrellas on the streets. When it snows, wear a hat and deal.