You Know What Is Rude?

Only calling/texting/g-mail chatting me when you NEED something. And then, when I call you to say hi, or ask how your project is going that I did a huge favor for you about...you never call or email back.

It is like an advice/help Booty Call. I feel bad. And now, I don't want to help you anymore. Because you don't call me back.

Reciprocity, monsters!

Don't Panic

Ok. I know that a flu pandemic is serious business, but, for real. Do you know how big the US is? 50 cases is not the time to panic. Heck, 1,600 cases in Mexico is serious, but still. There are 111,211,789 people in Mexico, according to the internet. That means .001% have swine flu (if I did the math right, and since I didn't use excel, that could be dicey).

There is a time to panic. That time is not right now. Now is the time to make sure you wash your hands as appropriate and don't sneeze on doorknobs.

Just leave a message

If you call and I don't answer, leave a message or send a follow up text if I need to call you back. Don't assume that I'll see your missed call and just know to call back. Maybe you had a question someone else could answer. Maybe you required immediate attention. Whatever, no message, no call back. The end.

Internet Invitations

When I invite you to see me/my band/my theater show/my quilting bee....don't write comments when you decline my invitation about how you don't live in the city where I live, or aren't into theater shows. It is just rude. Just decline. If you want to send regrets for a real reason, or to say you will miss me or whatever, please do so. But don't send a rude RSVP, in any circumstance. It is way lame.
Peace!

Don't talk to me. Just...Don't.

I know I'm somewhat of an oddball, but here goes. Salespeople? Don't give me unsolicited advice. Say hi when I enter, fine. If you have to ask me if I need anything, fine. But when I say "no thanks", DON'T CONTINUE TO TALK TO ME.

Yes, I'm looking at you, perky trixies at the Benefit store. I mean, really? I'm looking for my favorite lipstick, I really don't want you to give me a coupon for eyebrow tinting. Nor do I want you to ask me if I've tried your new cheek glow (really? Do I look like someone who wears cheek glow? I'm barely competent with lipstick. If I look like someone who could use cheek glow, it's kind of insulting for you to say so unprompted. If you have to push product, feel free to offer me samples when I'm paying. Heck if you have to tell me about some sweet deal, I guess that's ok. I'll be annoyed, but I'll understand. But the rest of it drives me batty).

This happens everywhere these days. Retail folks are just a little more desperate and with that desperation comes this super excessive enthusiasm and desire to help that makes me want to scream. If I'm at the Gap, which I probably am, and I'm the only customer...well, pretty much the only way I'm leaving without buying anything is if the salesperson offers advice. Seriously? If I want your help I'll ask. I know how stores work. These days staff outnumber customers basically everywhere. It's super depressing, and I'm sorry, and it sucks, but still...don't talk to me.

Lately any time I try to shop in an actual store (as opposed to on the internet, as I am often tempted) I basically find myself either leaving the store or saying point blank "please just leave me alone. If I need help I'll tell you"...and then I feel awful, and like I have to apologize because after all she was just doing her job.

I'm considering making a t-shirt to wear whenever I'm running errands or shopping. It'll have some sort of really clear, and yet still polite, slogan. For example "Thanks for the offer to help but I'm much more likely to spend money if you leave me alone." That's a little long, I realize, I'm still working on the wording.

Your Hacking Cough

If you have a serious illness, stay home from work. As someone who often stays home from work because I am lazy, I often feel guilty about actually taking sick days. (Clinical Depression is technically an illness, right? What about my addiction to West Wing?) But there are times when you should stay home, for the public good.

One of those times is when you have a deep, chest rattling, horrible, phlegmy cough, and you decide to come to the quiet room of the library to study. Stay home.

Another of those times is when you decide to sneeze and sniffle away while waiting for takeout Chinese food. Order in.

Sick days exist for a reason: to not spread germs. Do me a favor, and keep yours at home.

No Such Thing

There is no such thing as vegan leather.

These bags are cute, but they are either vegan or leather, not both.

I can haz dat?

I don't hate all "lol speak". I find it hilarious in context. You know, on the internet. Heck, I subscribe to some teh cute RSS feeds. Glance at the occasional fail. Have been tempted to caption my cat. I find it delightful when used appropriately in tweets or blogs or even facebook status updates or comments.

But when you speak OUT LOUD in LOL speak? Oh friend, you sound like an idiot.

Women Who Hate On Michelle Obama

I was told a little while ago that there is a class of women (and maybe they are white and rich, but I don't know) who hate Michelle Obama and like to particularly make fun of her clothes.

To those women (and men): Shut Up.

Elevator Etiquette

So, when you are standing in front of the elevator, and you have pressed the button, I generally take that as a sign that you are going to get on the elevator. And take it somewhere.

But if your friend gets off the elevator, and you want to chat for a sec before you go eat your sandwich in your office, here is what NOT to do:

• don't stand in the door, talking
• don't block entrance to the elevator
• don't talk so slow that I think you are on Xanax
• don't somehow begin to resemble a Brontosaurus

So, seriously folks, be kind and scoot out of the way. I have places to go. And I don't care if you choose to chat with your friend. I do care when you decide to inconvenience all other people in order to accomplish your talk.

Peace!

The Airplane cell phone lot

This is a rant with two parts, actually.

First, I don't really believe in picking people up from the airport if you live in a city with good public transportation. In most cases, it is much easier for the person arriving to take the train or a cab than for you to go pick them up. If I come visit you in a big city, just tell me where to meet you. I'll make it happen. No need for you to have to drive all the way out to the airport and navigate the hideous traffic and gross congestion of people circling around.

The exceptions are, of course, implied: large bags/suburbs,/foreign country/injured/bereaved. What precisely is the difference between greeting someone at their home and greeting someone while they are in the driver's seat of their car slightly harried from the traffic and mean security folks? Why, in the former scenario you can hug and smile and be friendly whereas in the latter it's more of a "hi-shove-your-bags-in-the-back-so-good-to-see-you-ok-stop-honking-now-I'll-merge." One can argue that the person being picked up will be harried by having to navigate the airport-to-home transfer, but to that I say...seriously? Only if there was pre-existing duress or the number of homeless drunks on the blue line is really above average or the cabbie won't shut up. If the traffic is hideous it'll be no more or less hideous in a cab than it would be in my car, and I won't have spent 40 minutes getting through it once already.

Ahem. The above aside, I also respect that most people (at least those in this midwestern city) disagree with me and find being picked up at the airport a basic human kindness and my reluctance to so do selfish and uncaring. Thus, I drive to the airport. A lot. If you come to visit me and expect a ride from the airport please try not to arrive during rush hour.

Here is part 2.

The City of Chicago, in its wisdom, designated one parking lot near O'Hare as the "cell phone waiting lot". Many other airports have these as well, but I'm mostly going to explain the situation at ORD. Just imagine it applying to your home airport. The concept is simple: a parking lot removed from the general airport traffic where you can park and stay with your car while waiting for the person you are picking up to arrive. FOR FREE.

Now, I have heard from many Chicagoans that you haven't seen the signs for this, were not aware of the option, etc. This makes me a little nervous, as there are 3 or 4 signs, all very prominent. The first right as you exit toward the airport (cell phone lot: exit 2a Manheim rd. north), then on the first blinking sign (no curbside waiting / use cell lot / exit 2a / no curbside waiting), and then again right before exit 2a (big blue billboard "cell phone lot this exit"). I think there's even another one after you are past exit 2a, which is a little bit useless. When the first introduced the lot -- 4 or 5 years ago, I think -- there was even more signage and adverts throughout the actual airport.

I mean this with as little snark as possible: people, why don't you use the damn cell lot?

Here's what happens when you take exit 2a: you drive into a parking lot that is mostly empty. you sit there. When the person you are picking up calls to say they have landed, you leisurely start up the car and drive to the terminal. If they have bags to pick up you'll still have to circle the terminals at least twice. If they don't, it'll time out pretty well. And while you were waiting you had your car out of the way and turned off. Heck, they'll never even know you weren't circling the entire time.

You know we have a problem with gas usage in this country, right?

Here's what happens when you don't take exit 2a: you join a crowd of cars trying to break the "no curbside waiting" rule. Some pulled up along the lane, others parked on the shoulder just up above where the security trucks normally troll. On a Sunday night it can take 10 minutes to get from the split where the arrivals area is left and departures right to the end of terminal 1, 50 feet away, because too many cars are trying to merge across all four lanes. There is general confusion, lane merging, honking, and general obnoxiousness. It's the only time when midwestern drivers find their inner Bostonian (though that may be overstating it. Their inner "Bostonian on a relaxed Sunday" more than "Bostonian getting to a plane", which is likely where my aversion to airport traffic comes from in the first place).

If all those cars that were waiting for people still on planes in the air went to the cell phone lot instead of endlessly wasting gas circling the terminal there would be less traffic and confusion, less gas wasted on circling or hovering, and all the arriving passengers would be picked up more efficiently.

So please, use the damn cell phone lot.

Diet Coke v. Diet Pepsi

Diet Coke is a wonderful nectar of the gods without which I would be an under-caffeinated zombie. Diet Pepsi is a sickly sweet gross beverage that I will drink only under duress, out of politeness, or because it's all the vending machine in my office building carries.

They are not the same and if you give me a Diet Pepsi when I've asked for a Diet Coke I will know. Even if the can is not visible. Trust me. Now, if I'm a guest in your house, I will be perfectly polite and delightedly grateful for the drink, and I will nurse it for a while (as opposed to if I get a real Diet Coke, which I will consume in approximately 2 seconds). If, however, you are a waitress, bartender, or flight attendant I will (politely) inform you that Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi are not the same product, and request a glass of soda water with lemon instead. If you look at me like I am a crazy person, I will subject you to a lengthy rant about the taste differences. Do you want that? Really? I doubt it.

I know which airlines serve which beverage, and I have been known to make ticket purchase decisions based on beverage options (I mean, all other things being equal). Dunkin Donuts may be the only drive-through joint with vegetarian food options, but it serves Diet Pepsi, so I won't go unless I have a strong hankering for microwaved eggs.

You think this sounds crazy? That's fine. I think your argument that ____ is different from ____ is crazy, but I understand the way things work and I won't fight you about it. So let me have my strong preference and just know...they're not the same product.

Pet Store Names

I have a cat with picky tastes. Her picky tastes require that I shop at bougie pet stores, as if I buy the wrong kitty litter...let's just say no one wants that. PetCo and Pets Mart don't carry the right kind.

This is fine, I like supporting small, local businesses. The pet store closest to my office is named after the owner's pets, Sam and Willy. Perfectly acceptable. But let's examine some of the other local pet boutiques:

Barker and Meowsky

Wiggleyville

Urbanimal

For Dog's Sake

Ruff Haus

Doggy Style

Tails in the City

Spotland Yard

The Houndry

Gourmutts

The Barking Lot

I'm not making any of this up. All these stores are in Chicago, and these are just the ones I can remember.

I have no beef with the quality of the stores (in fact, I've only been to two of them), it's just the names. Is there some rule that all pet owners are supposed to love cutesy puns? All of these names basically demand that one talk in baby talk. Or point out the "cleverness" of the names.

Many of these names also imply some sort of escapist alternate reality. For example, I bet the traffic in Wiggleyville is much friendlier (and more sober) than the traffic in actual Wrigleyville. Can't you just picture the law firm of Barker and Meowsky? My cat is the grumpy old human resources manager dictating who gets to sit on the radiator and who is relegated to the chair. Spotland Yard? "which liddle puppy made a mess? ooh, da cute liddle puddy tat. I tot I taw a puddy tat!"

This is exactly the type of thing that makes non-pet owners think pet owners are all nuts.

In which I whine about travel

I know, it's very cliched. Feel free to ignore all of this.

Here are some trivial matters related to airplane travel on which I have very strong opinions.

• Designing airports with tile floors (the kind with small gaps between each tile--I'm sure there's a name, I don't know it) is ludicrous. Almost everyone is rolling a bag--thump, ka-thump, thump, ka-thump... The noise is infuriating and makes an already stressful situation worse.
• You don't need to put your carry-on bag into a bucket. Those are for loose items, outerwear, and laptops. If you put your bag in it for no reason, the TSA agent will reprimand you, delaying everyone behind you. Also read the very clear sign: your laptop has to be in its own bin. Or they'll make you do it again. AND NO ONE WANTS THAT.
• Seriously, if you haven't traveled recently, look up the rules in advance. Everyone will be grateful.
• You know how they tell you not to put your coat above the seat until everyone's bag is up there? Yeah, don't be an asshole.

There are other things, of course, but figured I'd let you add your own in the comments....

Disirregardless...

...is NOT a word.

Yes, it has been a long time

Things I plan to blog about in the near future:
*People who start blogs and then don't update them consistently. I hate that!
Note: the irony is intended
*Airport design. Specifically, noise enhancing tiles.
*People who put their carry-on bags in bins on the scanner at airports
*People who are generally obnoxious while traveling (but I'll try not to be cliched about this).
*People who insist that Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi are "the same".
*Using lolspeak in everyday language. No, you can not haz dat.
*Pet store names.
*People who join conversations with strangers / offer unsolicited advice.

I'm sure I'll come up with more, but for the moment that should suffice.

Coffee Shop Etiquette

Now, this post is only necessary because of my tiny apartment which I find uninspiring, and my spotty wireless, which is the worst.

But serisously, we've all gone to the coffee shop to work. And in this day and age, we bring headphone, plug in and try to zone in on our work.

This is difficult when the person next to you is yelling her computer passwords to her friend on her cell phone. I can hear her through the new Britney Spears album, which is actually the definition of being too loud.

So, if you go to the coffee shop, take your calls outside, or, just speak more softly.

Lunatic Spellings

I was just watching some bad TV, which is fine. But as the cast for the show was flashing up on the screen over some pithy dialogue...the name Geoffri caught my eye.

Now seriously.

These creative spellings (i instead of y), these gender-bending ego-names (like the new senator from IL naming his son and daughter after him, lame)...

All I can say is sigh. Sigh, Geoffri with an i. Sigh and a half.