I can hear you!

When you talk about me, and my ass, even with my headphones in...I can hear you!



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Work texts

Jenny Maroney said "work sext" the other night on 30 Rock, so funny.

But actually, I like texting for work, it is much less weird than I thought.

What do you think? Work Text, yea or nay?



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Airport chairs

I bet I have already blogged about this, but it bear repeating. Making it impossible for humans to lie down in an airport waiting area is terrible. Really terrible. I flew overnight on purpose for a work thing, and it became painfully clear that I, like a horse, would have to sleep upright. Boo, I say!

Now, I know there are a ton of valid reasons why this is designed in the way that it is (homeless people? Space sharing? The blight caused by people lying down?) but it I'd argue that is is truly meanspirired.

Blogged from my blog phone!

Department of Obvious

This almost doesn't need to be stated, but:

The "holiday season" may start with Thanksgiving, but Christmas decorations (and decorations that purport to be all inclusive winter-holiday themed but are effectively Christmas decorations, and any other specific-winter-holiday-that-isn't-Christmas decorations) really should not go up before Thanksgiving. Ditto Christmas carols. The non-stop prevalence during Advent should really be enough, let's not push it before December, m'kay? Thanks, all retailers.

Stocking Stuffers

Stocking stuffers should, for starters, fit in a Christmas stocking. So please, all stores ever, if you're going to advertise something as a stocking stuffer it should be size-appropriate, in addition to cute or funny or, frankly, utterly useless. This is not to imply that all stocking stuffers are useless, my Christmas stocking often includes quite useful things like silicone measuring spoons, or socks. Some people I know get amazing jewelry in the toe of their Christmas stockings. But you know what no one wants in an actual stocking? A Hummingbird Feeder with Ant Moat. Too big. If you want that as a present, I don't judge (well, a little. There are much more attractive options), but it is a gift. You know, for under the tree.

Let's take some examples from Amazon (searching in the stocking stuffer category). Flinger flying animal puppet = stocking stuffer. 10" Atomic Clock = present.

This isn't about price or tradition. It's about grammar / logic. If the purpose is to be stuffed in a stocking, then it should at the very least fit inside a Christmas stocking when boxed and wrapped.

Out of the Office

When you are out of the office, I am happy for you to tell me. It is so helpful.

However, not changing your email responder and/or voice mail message back when you come back makes me bonkers! In a bad way! As if you are so busy that six days after your supposed return to the office, you haven't noticed that your auto-responder is still going strong. It makes you seem crazy/disorganized to the max.

Mean Election Monitors

I went to a new polling place last night in Brooklyn. I had registered to vote over Labor Day Weekend at the Caribbean Day Parade I went to with some friends and ate curried goat.

Anyway, I registered, but they never sent me a card, but I was listed online, AND Mike Bloomberg sent me his campaign fliers every other day. I wanted to vote!

But then, last night after work, I went to vote, and I was not on the rolls! What?! Shocking. But what was most shocking was the treatment I received by the poll workers. Both the Democrat and Republican Monitors were so rude, and told me that since I was not on the rolls ("I check, and I'm good at my job!"), I could not vote. Then they told me I could fill out a paper ballot and asked me to wait while they helped other people. Then they told me they couldn't let me vote. So, I went to talk to the Information Lady, who told me that I could vote, as long as I have ID or a bill with my name and address on it.

So, I went home to get a pay stub, and I decided to call the Registrar of Voters to double check my registration. It turns out that everything they told was lies. Except the tiny window when they told me that I could vote without ID. Because a paper ballot is an affidavit!

Anyway, I went back and voted, though the mean ladies told me that I was crazy, since I left when they had clearly told me that I could vote on a paper ballot. Sigh, ladies, sigh. Then they were weird and said mean things about turnout, my remembering to seal my ballot, and both Information Lady and Registrar of Voters lady. It was Crazy Pants!

Moral of the story: don;t let the people get you down, and always vote, even on off years. Mainly because it helps me to know that there is a "Rent is Too High" Party in New York City.

Peace!

Silly email addresses

I agree with Heidi on stupid email signatures. And I am going to take it one step further - you are a grownup, get a real email address. If you use your personal email for anything remotely professional, maybe don't have it be someweirdreferencethatnoonegets@yourmom.net. Try: your.name@yourmom.net. Or some variation thereof. Seriously, it is an address that people should remember. If I see goofygal@aol.com on top of your resume - I won't hire you.

I know this is controversial. I probably still like you and think that you are smart if you have a wacky email address. I just think that you should change it.

Over Promotion

This is a little Chicago specific, but if I hear one more time that there are only ____ days until we know about the 2016 Olympics, I may...actually, I can't make any threats, because I will surely hear it multiple times every day this week. Until Friday, when this whole thing will be resolved one way or the other.

If this is what it's like leading up to the announcement, it's going to be intolerable for the next 7 years. I know I'll have a lot of strong feelings along the way.

Appropriate email signatures

If you have a job in an office, and that job involves emailing people you don't know, ever, then your email signature should have the following information only: your name, title, relevant appropriate contact information, company-required/sanctioned branding as relevant, and any legal disclaimers required. That's it.

No, for real, that's it.

If there's a quote, it should be related to your company--like, for example, a positive statement from an article (which of course falls under branding as indicated above).

You know what is unacceptable under any circumstance? ANYTHING ELSE. You can put whatever you please at the end of your personal emails to your friends. Fine. I'll judge, but if we're friends presumably I'll either find it funny/apt or forgive you the inanity because of your shining personality.

I don't want a work email to advise me that the shortest distance between two people is actually a smile, or to include a pun on minds and matter, or anything else in that vein. It's not just that I'm a super judgy person, it's also that email doesn't convey tone or intent and you never know how someone you don't know is going to react to your pithy quote. Including, of course, that judgy a-holes like me will make some potentially inaccurate assumptions about you.

Summer Weather

Yeah, it's summer. I get it.

But honestly, I don't own an air conditioner. I hate air conditioners. I am afraid that if I did have one it would fall out the window and kill someone. I know I am in the minority on this, but I will not pay those electricity bills.

But it had been so hot lately. I had to move last weekend in 90-degree heat, which is not awesome, contrary to what you might think.

So, I have devised the following heat beating practices:
1. No pants; skirts and dresses only
2. At least 2 showers a day (sorry, Heidi/nature!)
3. two fans pointed directly at me while I sleep
4. constant hydration, to the point of insanity
5. 1/2 pitcher of pomegranate-green tea iced tea daily
6. mineral makeup--it doesn't melt off my face
7. getting a job in an air conditioned office building
8. no blankets at all
9. wet washcloth, cooled in the freezer, on my forehead as I go to sleep
10. moving out of Manhattan
11. devising a few commutes to work that optimize the likelihood of being in an air conditioned train car; similarly, transferring trains only in cooler stations (Hoyt-Schemerhorn as opposed to Jay Street-Borough Hall, for example)
12. lights off as much as possible
13. looking at my huge collection of hats and scarves every day to remind myself that this too shall pass!

Tell me your heat-beating tips! I need to know!

Victory!

"Paulus also changed the spelling of the company name, changing the "Theatre" in A.R.T. to "Theater.""

Baby Jewelery

I was on the train yesterday, and saw a little boy wearing a couple of bracelets, one of which was made of small beads that would be sure easy to choke on accidentally if he were to chew on it constantly, which he was.

It reminded me of how much I dislike babies with pierced ears. I just don't care for it. For some reason, it reminds me of Baby Beauty Pageant contestants, JonBennet Ramsey and other creepy stuff like that.

I got my ears pierced when I was probably five or six. By that time I had hair and a head big enough not to be overwhelmed by the small blue stone studs I wore for the 500 years subsequent. My pediatrician still thought I was too young, but my mom was such a hippie, you guys!

Anyway, gross. Say No to baby pierced ears!

Other "gym" etiquette

So, I go to this insane yoga, but other people go to the gym, where the following situations may occur, much to my chagrin, in the locker room:

Women who text naked
Women who talk on the phone naked
Women who text and/or talk on the phone topless
Women who take pictures with their friends

I mean, I want to free my hips. But this is too free.

Also, in re: yesterday's post: yes, I can see your thong through those leggings. Go away from me.

An OPen Letter to the Ladies from my Yoga Studio

This yoga studio, which is Bikram style, and therefore extremely hot, humid and sweaty, encourages some fairly naked fashion choices. That's cool, the beach is one of my favorite places. I don't mind being the girl dressed comparatively Amish-ly in my leggings and workout tank top. But seriously, no matter what you wear, please, please, please DON'T wear ridiculous pants that are so see-through that I can see your underpanties! Honestly! Two days in a row, I have been placed squarely behind the most see-through pants-wearing ladies, and it must stop. Mostly, it's funny, but in general, I am now begging you to employ futuristic exercise fashions that cover up your bum. This is for you, polkadot bikini girl.

Job Search

This will be the first of many complaints about my attempt to get a job.

This woman with whom I went to graduate school just got a position that I applied for as well. I am very happy for her; it's a great organization with a lot of wonderful programs.

I applied for this job, and a month later got a letter saying that I wasn't even qualified enough for an interview.

Ouch.

Deadlines

I think it is rude to give a deadline that is on a holiday. As if you are too ridiculously busy to check your schedule. Please.

Less / Fewer

Ann Marie's post below reminded me of a grammatical error that always bugs me. Ok, there are many of these, but here's one I've seen/heard a lot recently and it makes me angry to hear it misused. Inappropriate reaction? Yes. Ergo, Strong Judgment / Trivial Matter.

One has LESS of an item that can't be counted, but FEWER of something that can be (except in cases of continuous measurement, where less is acceptable, but we can ignore that for the moment).

For example: "There is less traffic now because of the recession" versus "there are fewer cars on the road now because of the recession."

(one can, in theory, count cars. One cannot count traffic).

Money is another exception, one can say that you have less than ten dollars. This is both because of the continuous measurement exception noted above and also because money is in itself a symbol, generally referring to a value as opposed to the actual number of bits of paper in your hand (in which case one might have fewer than ten dollar bills).

Coming soon: amount v. number in common usage.

PLEASE

It is confused ABOUT, not confused ON.
Peace.

Out.

Also, this is SAD.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TXkCSIRYUE&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Freader%2Fview%2F&feature=player_embedded

"That's Called..."

I'm watching the NBA Finals, which I utterly don't care about at all, but it's fun to watch while I catch up on my internet reading/sitting around.

What gets my goat is when the announcer in any sports game notices something good that a player does on the court/field and says, "That's what's called...great defense, posting up, using your head...etc."

I guess I find it awkward and somehow condescending, as if the player did it by accident and the announcer is there to tell him or her what that play actually accomplishes.

Proofread your resume

Here are some things to keep in mind when applying for a job.
Note: while applying for a job is not a trivial matter, all the things I'm about to cover are pretty trivial. I'm going to assume the non-trivial is adequately covered elsewhere.

• Submit your application to the correct person. If, just as a random example, the job description says "email cover letter and resume to ____", follow that instruction. Don't email your cover letter and resume to (A) the current holder of the job you are applying for (B) the person listed as the agency contact on the listing or (C) all of the above. Because then you look like you can't follow a simple instruction. If you can't read a damn job description and do what it says, than probably you're not a good candidate for the job.
• Did we ask for a writing sample? No? Ok, then don't send one. Maybe we will later. Right now? Nope.
• Oh, we asked for a writing sample? Then why didn't you send one?
  
• How long is your resume? Really? You think that requires two and a half pages? REALLY? No one's looking past page 1 buddy. Seriously.
• No, I mean that. I know a lot of people say a 2 page resume is ok, but seriously? I can't be bothered. Unless you are HOT SHIT. A resume is not a CV.
• Ok, fine, if it must be two pages, at least make it fit neatly. 1 page plus a couple inches on the back just looks like bad formatting. I guarantee I could make it fit. If you're going to have the chutzpah to go two pages, then you'd damn well better have enough interesting things to say to fill both pages.
• THREE PAGES? REALLY? Man, you've had way too many jobs. Do you have a problem with authority? Are you going to quit after six months?
  
• That typo? Right there? That anyone proofreading for you could see? That just cost you an interview. Because you don't care enough to check. There's a recession, you may have heard, there are a million applicants for every job. Your typo? Matters.
• I know what a barista does. You don't need to explain it. If you need to make it sound relevant, do that--briefly--in your cover letter.
• Oh, and your cover letter? It needs to be specific to this job you're applying for. Not generic and bland. Explain your experience, tell a story, etc.
  
• Oh, and, also...do that in one short letter.
  
• If you have to email your resume, and you are using anything other than the most basic fonts, convert the thing to a PDF. Heck, even if your fonts are basic. There are a million free programs that you can download from the internet to turn documents into PDFs.
  
• Not to be harsh, but if you can't figure that last point out, or ask someone to help, then you're probably not the best candidate for an office job.
  
• If the job description emphasizes written and verbal communication skills, there really can't be any grammatical errors in the cover letter. Especially in the part where you say you are a good communicator.

Lest you think this is all related to the fact that I'm leaving my job, it's actually mostly not. I'm not on that search committee, thank goodness. No, I just do a lot of alumni volunteering and look at a lot of application materials in several volunteer capacities. It is amazing how often really smart people screw up the easiest shit.

Harem pants???!?!?!?!?!?

Oh for the love of Mike....
I am a huge fan of The Sartorialist, and a huge fan of bold fashion choices. This girl is stunningly beautiful, and I love her shoes. But these crazy Harem/diaper/skirt pants that are going around?

I SAY NO.

When Great Slang Goes Away

Remember when everyone was "in the tank" for Barack Obama?
That was so funny, and now, nobody says it anymore (for fear of retribution from the CIA?).

IN THE TANK. I read it today on Slate or Salon or some such internet magazine, and it made my day.

Commenters...

...and commentators are not the same thing.

The first is a direct nominalization of "to comment". Ergo it refers to someone who comments. Like on this blog. As a form of another word, it does not get a separate dictionary definition.

A commentator is slightly different, he or she is someone who "discusses news, sports, weather or the like, as on TV or the radio" or "someone who makes commentaries".

The latter implies some analysis, the former is more reactive.

Clear?

Oh, and while we're talking word choice, I'm still waiting for someone to give me one scenario where "utilize" is a more appropriate choice than "use". Just one. It has yet to happen.

Product Samples

In general, I love a free sample. It's one of my favorite things about cosmetics stores (the over attention of the salespeople is my least favorite, see below). The biggest drawback of samples in my mind is my general unease about the environmental impact of getting single-use anything, particularly when it's in a non recyclable container. However, I'm still somewhat of a girly-girl when it comes to what one college friend always referred to as "product" and will fall for just about anything with a pretty smell and lovely packaging. Ahem.

Back to the strong feelings. Shampoo samples need to come in packages that can be opened in the shower.

Actually, I'm not sure that needs much elaboration. But seriously, product designers: if you give me a sample of your product in a package that can not be opened in the environment in which it is designed to be used, then I'm never going to use it and thus never be converted. I'm sure the indented tabs looked good in the lab, but in practice dry hands and/or scissors are often necessary, and neither of those is present in the shower.

Yesterday morning I dismantled an old razor blade and tried to use it to saw through the plastic (I know, I know, and from futernatural.com no less) package. No luck. I'll never know if that product was going to end my quest for a natural hair care product that doesn't leave my hair unclean, brittle, and/or stringy.

You Know What Is Rude?

Only calling/texting/g-mail chatting me when you NEED something. And then, when I call you to say hi, or ask how your project is going that I did a huge favor for you about...you never call or email back.

It is like an advice/help Booty Call. I feel bad. And now, I don't want to help you anymore. Because you don't call me back.

Reciprocity, monsters!

Don't Panic

Ok. I know that a flu pandemic is serious business, but, for real. Do you know how big the US is? 50 cases is not the time to panic. Heck, 1,600 cases in Mexico is serious, but still. There are 111,211,789 people in Mexico, according to the internet. That means .001% have swine flu (if I did the math right, and since I didn't use excel, that could be dicey).

There is a time to panic. That time is not right now. Now is the time to make sure you wash your hands as appropriate and don't sneeze on doorknobs.

Just leave a message

If you call and I don't answer, leave a message or send a follow up text if I need to call you back. Don't assume that I'll see your missed call and just know to call back. Maybe you had a question someone else could answer. Maybe you required immediate attention. Whatever, no message, no call back. The end.

Internet Invitations

When I invite you to see me/my band/my theater show/my quilting bee....don't write comments when you decline my invitation about how you don't live in the city where I live, or aren't into theater shows. It is just rude. Just decline. If you want to send regrets for a real reason, or to say you will miss me or whatever, please do so. But don't send a rude RSVP, in any circumstance. It is way lame.
Peace!

Don't talk to me. Just...Don't.

I know I'm somewhat of an oddball, but here goes. Salespeople? Don't give me unsolicited advice. Say hi when I enter, fine. If you have to ask me if I need anything, fine. But when I say "no thanks", DON'T CONTINUE TO TALK TO ME.

Yes, I'm looking at you, perky trixies at the Benefit store. I mean, really? I'm looking for my favorite lipstick, I really don't want you to give me a coupon for eyebrow tinting. Nor do I want you to ask me if I've tried your new cheek glow (really? Do I look like someone who wears cheek glow? I'm barely competent with lipstick. If I look like someone who could use cheek glow, it's kind of insulting for you to say so unprompted. If you have to push product, feel free to offer me samples when I'm paying. Heck if you have to tell me about some sweet deal, I guess that's ok. I'll be annoyed, but I'll understand. But the rest of it drives me batty).

This happens everywhere these days. Retail folks are just a little more desperate and with that desperation comes this super excessive enthusiasm and desire to help that makes me want to scream. If I'm at the Gap, which I probably am, and I'm the only customer...well, pretty much the only way I'm leaving without buying anything is if the salesperson offers advice. Seriously? If I want your help I'll ask. I know how stores work. These days staff outnumber customers basically everywhere. It's super depressing, and I'm sorry, and it sucks, but still...don't talk to me.

Lately any time I try to shop in an actual store (as opposed to on the internet, as I am often tempted) I basically find myself either leaving the store or saying point blank "please just leave me alone. If I need help I'll tell you"...and then I feel awful, and like I have to apologize because after all she was just doing her job.

I'm considering making a t-shirt to wear whenever I'm running errands or shopping. It'll have some sort of really clear, and yet still polite, slogan. For example "Thanks for the offer to help but I'm much more likely to spend money if you leave me alone." That's a little long, I realize, I'm still working on the wording.

Your Hacking Cough

If you have a serious illness, stay home from work. As someone who often stays home from work because I am lazy, I often feel guilty about actually taking sick days. (Clinical Depression is technically an illness, right? What about my addiction to West Wing?) But there are times when you should stay home, for the public good.

One of those times is when you have a deep, chest rattling, horrible, phlegmy cough, and you decide to come to the quiet room of the library to study. Stay home.

Another of those times is when you decide to sneeze and sniffle away while waiting for takeout Chinese food. Order in.

Sick days exist for a reason: to not spread germs. Do me a favor, and keep yours at home.

No Such Thing

There is no such thing as vegan leather.

These bags are cute, but they are either vegan or leather, not both.

I can haz dat?

I don't hate all "lol speak". I find it hilarious in context. You know, on the internet. Heck, I subscribe to some teh cute RSS feeds. Glance at the occasional fail. Have been tempted to caption my cat. I find it delightful when used appropriately in tweets or blogs or even facebook status updates or comments.

But when you speak OUT LOUD in LOL speak? Oh friend, you sound like an idiot.

Women Who Hate On Michelle Obama

I was told a little while ago that there is a class of women (and maybe they are white and rich, but I don't know) who hate Michelle Obama and like to particularly make fun of her clothes.

To those women (and men): Shut Up.

Elevator Etiquette

So, when you are standing in front of the elevator, and you have pressed the button, I generally take that as a sign that you are going to get on the elevator. And take it somewhere.

But if your friend gets off the elevator, and you want to chat for a sec before you go eat your sandwich in your office, here is what NOT to do:

• don't stand in the door, talking
• don't block entrance to the elevator
• don't talk so slow that I think you are on Xanax
• don't somehow begin to resemble a Brontosaurus

So, seriously folks, be kind and scoot out of the way. I have places to go. And I don't care if you choose to chat with your friend. I do care when you decide to inconvenience all other people in order to accomplish your talk.

Peace!

The Airplane cell phone lot

This is a rant with two parts, actually.

First, I don't really believe in picking people up from the airport if you live in a city with good public transportation. In most cases, it is much easier for the person arriving to take the train or a cab than for you to go pick them up. If I come visit you in a big city, just tell me where to meet you. I'll make it happen. No need for you to have to drive all the way out to the airport and navigate the hideous traffic and gross congestion of people circling around.

The exceptions are, of course, implied: large bags/suburbs,/foreign country/injured/bereaved. What precisely is the difference between greeting someone at their home and greeting someone while they are in the driver's seat of their car slightly harried from the traffic and mean security folks? Why, in the former scenario you can hug and smile and be friendly whereas in the latter it's more of a "hi-shove-your-bags-in-the-back-so-good-to-see-you-ok-stop-honking-now-I'll-merge." One can argue that the person being picked up will be harried by having to navigate the airport-to-home transfer, but to that I say...seriously? Only if there was pre-existing duress or the number of homeless drunks on the blue line is really above average or the cabbie won't shut up. If the traffic is hideous it'll be no more or less hideous in a cab than it would be in my car, and I won't have spent 40 minutes getting through it once already.

Ahem. The above aside, I also respect that most people (at least those in this midwestern city) disagree with me and find being picked up at the airport a basic human kindness and my reluctance to so do selfish and uncaring. Thus, I drive to the airport. A lot. If you come to visit me and expect a ride from the airport please try not to arrive during rush hour.

Here is part 2.

The City of Chicago, in its wisdom, designated one parking lot near O'Hare as the "cell phone waiting lot". Many other airports have these as well, but I'm mostly going to explain the situation at ORD. Just imagine it applying to your home airport. The concept is simple: a parking lot removed from the general airport traffic where you can park and stay with your car while waiting for the person you are picking up to arrive. FOR FREE.

Now, I have heard from many Chicagoans that you haven't seen the signs for this, were not aware of the option, etc. This makes me a little nervous, as there are 3 or 4 signs, all very prominent. The first right as you exit toward the airport (cell phone lot: exit 2a Manheim rd. north), then on the first blinking sign (no curbside waiting / use cell lot / exit 2a / no curbside waiting), and then again right before exit 2a (big blue billboard "cell phone lot this exit"). I think there's even another one after you are past exit 2a, which is a little bit useless. When the first introduced the lot -- 4 or 5 years ago, I think -- there was even more signage and adverts throughout the actual airport.

I mean this with as little snark as possible: people, why don't you use the damn cell lot?

Here's what happens when you take exit 2a: you drive into a parking lot that is mostly empty. you sit there. When the person you are picking up calls to say they have landed, you leisurely start up the car and drive to the terminal. If they have bags to pick up you'll still have to circle the terminals at least twice. If they don't, it'll time out pretty well. And while you were waiting you had your car out of the way and turned off. Heck, they'll never even know you weren't circling the entire time.

You know we have a problem with gas usage in this country, right?

Here's what happens when you don't take exit 2a: you join a crowd of cars trying to break the "no curbside waiting" rule. Some pulled up along the lane, others parked on the shoulder just up above where the security trucks normally troll. On a Sunday night it can take 10 minutes to get from the split where the arrivals area is left and departures right to the end of terminal 1, 50 feet away, because too many cars are trying to merge across all four lanes. There is general confusion, lane merging, honking, and general obnoxiousness. It's the only time when midwestern drivers find their inner Bostonian (though that may be overstating it. Their inner "Bostonian on a relaxed Sunday" more than "Bostonian getting to a plane", which is likely where my aversion to airport traffic comes from in the first place).

If all those cars that were waiting for people still on planes in the air went to the cell phone lot instead of endlessly wasting gas circling the terminal there would be less traffic and confusion, less gas wasted on circling or hovering, and all the arriving passengers would be picked up more efficiently.

So please, use the damn cell phone lot.

Diet Coke v. Diet Pepsi

Diet Coke is a wonderful nectar of the gods without which I would be an under-caffeinated zombie. Diet Pepsi is a sickly sweet gross beverage that I will drink only under duress, out of politeness, or because it's all the vending machine in my office building carries.

They are not the same and if you give me a Diet Pepsi when I've asked for a Diet Coke I will know. Even if the can is not visible. Trust me. Now, if I'm a guest in your house, I will be perfectly polite and delightedly grateful for the drink, and I will nurse it for a while (as opposed to if I get a real Diet Coke, which I will consume in approximately 2 seconds). If, however, you are a waitress, bartender, or flight attendant I will (politely) inform you that Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi are not the same product, and request a glass of soda water with lemon instead. If you look at me like I am a crazy person, I will subject you to a lengthy rant about the taste differences. Do you want that? Really? I doubt it.

I know which airlines serve which beverage, and I have been known to make ticket purchase decisions based on beverage options (I mean, all other things being equal). Dunkin Donuts may be the only drive-through joint with vegetarian food options, but it serves Diet Pepsi, so I won't go unless I have a strong hankering for microwaved eggs.

You think this sounds crazy? That's fine. I think your argument that ____ is different from ____ is crazy, but I understand the way things work and I won't fight you about it. So let me have my strong preference and just know...they're not the same product.

Pet Store Names

I have a cat with picky tastes. Her picky tastes require that I shop at bougie pet stores, as if I buy the wrong kitty litter...let's just say no one wants that. PetCo and Pets Mart don't carry the right kind.

This is fine, I like supporting small, local businesses. The pet store closest to my office is named after the owner's pets, Sam and Willy. Perfectly acceptable. But let's examine some of the other local pet boutiques:

Barker and Meowsky

Wiggleyville

Urbanimal

For Dog's Sake

Ruff Haus

Doggy Style

Tails in the City

Spotland Yard

The Houndry

Gourmutts

The Barking Lot

I'm not making any of this up. All these stores are in Chicago, and these are just the ones I can remember.

I have no beef with the quality of the stores (in fact, I've only been to two of them), it's just the names. Is there some rule that all pet owners are supposed to love cutesy puns? All of these names basically demand that one talk in baby talk. Or point out the "cleverness" of the names.

Many of these names also imply some sort of escapist alternate reality. For example, I bet the traffic in Wiggleyville is much friendlier (and more sober) than the traffic in actual Wrigleyville. Can't you just picture the law firm of Barker and Meowsky? My cat is the grumpy old human resources manager dictating who gets to sit on the radiator and who is relegated to the chair. Spotland Yard? "which liddle puppy made a mess? ooh, da cute liddle puddy tat. I tot I taw a puddy tat!"

This is exactly the type of thing that makes non-pet owners think pet owners are all nuts.

In which I whine about travel

I know, it's very cliched. Feel free to ignore all of this.

Here are some trivial matters related to airplane travel on which I have very strong opinions.

• Designing airports with tile floors (the kind with small gaps between each tile--I'm sure there's a name, I don't know it) is ludicrous. Almost everyone is rolling a bag--thump, ka-thump, thump, ka-thump... The noise is infuriating and makes an already stressful situation worse.
• You don't need to put your carry-on bag into a bucket. Those are for loose items, outerwear, and laptops. If you put your bag in it for no reason, the TSA agent will reprimand you, delaying everyone behind you. Also read the very clear sign: your laptop has to be in its own bin. Or they'll make you do it again. AND NO ONE WANTS THAT.
• Seriously, if you haven't traveled recently, look up the rules in advance. Everyone will be grateful.
• You know how they tell you not to put your coat above the seat until everyone's bag is up there? Yeah, don't be an asshole.

There are other things, of course, but figured I'd let you add your own in the comments....

Disirregardless...

...is NOT a word.

Yes, it has been a long time

Things I plan to blog about in the near future:
*People who start blogs and then don't update them consistently. I hate that!
Note: the irony is intended
*Airport design. Specifically, noise enhancing tiles.
*People who put their carry-on bags in bins on the scanner at airports
*People who are generally obnoxious while traveling (but I'll try not to be cliched about this).
*People who insist that Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi are "the same".
*Using lolspeak in everyday language. No, you can not haz dat.
*Pet store names.
*People who join conversations with strangers / offer unsolicited advice.

I'm sure I'll come up with more, but for the moment that should suffice.

Coffee Shop Etiquette

Now, this post is only necessary because of my tiny apartment which I find uninspiring, and my spotty wireless, which is the worst.

But serisously, we've all gone to the coffee shop to work. And in this day and age, we bring headphone, plug in and try to zone in on our work.

This is difficult when the person next to you is yelling her computer passwords to her friend on her cell phone. I can hear her through the new Britney Spears album, which is actually the definition of being too loud.

So, if you go to the coffee shop, take your calls outside, or, just speak more softly.

Lunatic Spellings

I was just watching some bad TV, which is fine. But as the cast for the show was flashing up on the screen over some pithy dialogue...the name Geoffri caught my eye.

Now seriously.

These creative spellings (i instead of y), these gender-bending ego-names (like the new senator from IL naming his son and daughter after him, lame)...

All I can say is sigh. Sigh, Geoffri with an i. Sigh and a half.

A Particular Kind of Public Singing

A young man was walking down the street tonight with his headphones on, singing at full volume. I truly believe that he thought he was going to be discovered by a talent agent. The way good looking kids you knew in college are stopped in the coffee shop and scouted to be models.

But this guy, no dice. A bad voice, and bad tonality.

So do me a favor and keep it a little more quiet. I like music, just not your interpretation of that new R&B hit.

Something that will always be okay with me: boys who put their button up shirt on and off without unbuttoning it: see cute, cute Dominic West on The Wire (Season 1, Episode 11).

Oh, Natasha

Well, I guess even though the internet lied, it ended up being true that sweet Natasha Richardson died tragically. But, I am happy to read today that she will be an organ donor.

Taking about organ donation as a way to "live on" is tacky and lame, though. There are all manner of ads on the subway here about organ donation (eyes, the gift of sight) that kid of gross me out. Organ donation is so rad, but it is not our key to immortality.

When The Internet Lies, and I Believe It

So, last night I couldn't sleep, and I came across a blog item on Perez Hilton, the gossip blog, about how poor Natasha Richardson was in a bad skiing accident and had a very bad head injury. Sad! So, I wake up this morning, and the story has been picked up in all the British papers, as well as in some American blogs. And then around 1 PM, Time Out New York decides to run an unconfirmed quote about how she was dead, and then retracted that quote saying that it was unclear if she was dead or brain dead. The family will apparently make an announcement tomorrow, most of which will probably not be made up. I hope.

Now, I made the mistake of sharing this stuff (blogs and news web sites) in my Google Reader and saying something about it on my Twitter. But as much as I love gossip (and sharing my non-knowledge of medicine that I learn on Discovery Channel), it is so terrible to run all these unconfirmed and poorly sourced quotes all over the internet, and to run "RIP" items on widely read blogs is sort of whack. I mean, if you have to retract that someone got married or broke up or is pregnant, that stuff can be kind of funny or at least awkward.

But when people are dying, dead or on the brink of death because of a sad accident, don't run around saying that person is dead! It's craziness. I know that blogs aren't news, but this was also on Time Out's website. Oh, New Media! Why?!

And for myself, I will say that I feel like an asshole and a cynic for believing that poor, lovely Natasha couldn't possibly make it through this accident. And, more importantly, I feel like a dummy for sharing that all over the internets. But mostly, feel like a d-bag because nobody noticed that I Twittered about it. My digital footprint is like 'yea' big.

Badly Done Subtitles

Preface: Now, I am fortunate enough to be relatively fluent in French, and this gift makes it hard for me to deal with French movie subtitles, because I always feel like they are kind of wrong. Honestly, I know it's hard to create translations and subtitles that are wholly accurate.

Complaint: But on Saturday, I saw a super sad movie called Katyn, a Polish movie about this horrible mass murder of Polish intelligentsia and military officers during WWII. This was the saddest movie ever. It was crazy sad. And even though it was in Polish (I know 'please,' 'thank you,' 'okay' and 'cold beer'--'zimne piwo'), I could tell that the subtitles were terrible. It did that thing where they subtitles some written words (like on a newspaper) but no all of them. It did the thing where people talk for 45 seconds and the subtitle is "yes." It did that thing where they didn't bother to write out Christmas and instead wrote Xmas and has terrible grammatical errors (like my post).

So, seriously, if yu are going to nominate aa movie for a damn foreign film academy award, you have to have good subtitles. Waltz With Bashir had good subtitles. It can't be so hard. If you are going to make me watch the saddest thing ever, at least let me understand what is happening.

"Sexier" Dora the Explorer

Really? REALLY WORLD? Who thought that what we needed was a redesign of Dora the Explorer?

Not that I know much about this, as I don't have kids, but the existing Dora seems basically fine to me, and refreshingly not princessy (I mean, if girls want to be super girly princesses, fine for them, but there should be OPTIONS).

Wikipedia can show you more about Dora.

but now, now, she's going to be a tween. Because they want her to appeal beyond the preschool market.

As a fuddy-duddy prude, I sort of hate the idea of TV for preschoolers, but I sure don't think making Dora "more feminine" is an appropriate extension. UGH. I can't find a really good link to share, but some podcasts got mad, and riled me up. Ditto feministing.

Ok, half-baked and underinformed, but please. C'mon.

Sonograms

So, now two people I know have a sonogram image as their Facebook pic. Both are women, thanks to the fact that Bush43 wouldn't fund futuristic stem cell/man pregnancy research. I feel old and single.
Peace!

Cleanliness on TV

Exercise TV On Demand is one of my favorite ways to augment the under-used gym membership, dust collecting DVDs and Wii Fit. Jillian Michaels and the woman from Buns of Steel bring free workouts into your home, with a few commercials and some bottom-of-the-screen ads for energy drinks (but seriously? Energy drinks are a scam).

For those unfamiliar: you go to On Demand, then choose exercise TV, then scroll through the list of workouts that supposedly change each month (hint: half of them "expire" at the end of the month and then magically reappear the next month). There are far too many "Girls Next Door" workouts, and some that seem to involve Carmen Electra and a stripper pole. So...those are for the men, presumably.

Anyway, this is all delightful.

Here's what's not delightful: the woman who leads the pilates workouts always has incredibly dirty feet. Like, seriously? It's all taped. None of the camera folks or directors thought to say "hey, maybe your feet should be clean". It's not even HD! It's gross! I know, I know, you're busily teaching pilates in a gym all day. So your feet get a little dirty. But you're about to be taped so that millions of women can attempt to do pilates along with you. C'mon! Wash your damn feet!

0% Greek Yogurt

Here's the thing. Greek yogurt is strong, and delicious. I love it. My brand of choice is (like most of you, I'm sure) Fage. The regular version and the 2% version are both delicious. Completely yummy, with honey or without. The regular version is of course insanely delicious

But the nonfat kind? The 0% in the smaller container? Not delicious. Harsh tasting. Kind of...gross.

Delicious nonfat yogurt exists, for sure. Greek yogurt is generally too strong when robbed of the creaminess of the original variety. Horizon organic fat free has the same active cultures and is way more palatable, because it comes in fruit flavors which mask the harshness of plain old yogurt.

Incidentally, would you be sad to know that one cup of the regular Fage has 80% of your daily saturated fat allowance? Do you understand now why it is SO DELICIOUS?

Lip Liner that is darker than lipstick

Really? What decade are we in? Was this ever even fashionable?

Not that I am one to judge fashion, I have a hard time dressing like an adult more than two days in a row and I wear makeup maybe 20 times a year. HOWEVER, even I know that the visible lip liner outline is a look that....doesn't work.

In fairness, maybe this isn't as noticeable in person, but in HD on a giant television this poor woman on MSNBC looks ridiculous.

Duplicate posts in Feed

I love the following:
a) Google Reader
b) the Boston Red Sox
(not in that order)

Why, WHY are there 5 copies of the article with the headline "Homers spark Reds to 9-8 win over Red Sox" in my Reader?

C'mon Boston Globe. You're part of a major media conglomerate. Get it together. Don't crowd my feed. When I see that many new articles in my "Red Sox" folder on Google Reader I assume the worst. Being a Red Sox fan is hard enough without your games.

John McCain's Twitter

This guy! He lost the presidency, and now he has taken his intense bitterness to the interwebs, where he Twitters. I would normally find this adorable, but his Tweets, as they are know, are so inane, so full of the vitriolic nonsense that characterized his and Sarah Palin's campaign (In what respect, Charlie?) that it makes me want to tear out my hair. His current project is to Tweet the top ten pork barrel projects proposed in the Federal budget. First of all, I'm willing to bet that many of them are proposed by Republicans. Second of all, the lack of nuance that is the hallmark of these short, bitchy comments is absolutely why he was not asked to run this country.
Dude, get a life. Or try to see the world for the complicated place it is. This is a country where fish management is a real thing, where people work hard to keep our rivers and waters clean and safe for fish so that we can have them to eat and to function in a biodivere ecosystem. Seriously, John McCain, grow up.

Heidi was Right

I didn't get mad about it until this morning when I realized that only the title of the message in my inbox is bold, not the sender as well.
Creepy, weird, unattractive.

It's The Recession, Stupid

I have new least favorite phrase. I spent much of last week at seminars and networking events and meetings with others who do similar work. At many of these events we discussed, natch, the art of fundraising in difficult times.

The following phrases were pretty common:
"What do you think the impact of the economy will be for you?"
"Will you have to cut expenses because of the economy?"

Now, while the latter phrase I can give a pass, I find the former objectionable. There is always an economy, good or bad. I got a C on my Macro final mostly because I couldn't fathom how to reduce the economy to a point on a line or a variable in an equation, but I did understand that the existence of an economy was a constant in even basic societies.

Saying "the impact of the economy" is imprecise and euphemistic. We're in a recession. That's a problem. We're also in an economy, that's a constant.

There's a credit crisis, which may effect my organization (well, not mine, but ones that rely on credit). The financial system collapsed. There are lots of scary nouns and adjectives we can throw around, either to modify "economy" or to replace it. Choose the most applicable. Recession will do fine in most cases.

What will the impact of the recession be on my organization? I don't know, and it's scary to think about. Probably we need to do some strategic thinking and plan several scenarios. Asking me about the "impact of the economy" isn't less terrifying, it's just less precise. And annoying. Yes, I've seen that episode of the West Wing. So fine, call it a bagel. Call it whatever you want. But don't pretend that asking me about the impact of the economy means anything.

Saturday

As a caveat, a am not a morning person, and I never wake up on time. But truly, 9 AM class on a Saturday is cruel and unusual. I remember being in Driver's Ed on Saturdays for two months in high school. It was terrible. If you are going to have a meeting or a class, for the love of God, make it start at 10 AM.

No Headphones, No Respect

God invented headphones s that people can listen to their own music privately. This is particularly useful in public places, like the train. So when I am waiting for the train, I am often taken aback by people with small, personal electronics that they are using without headphones at all. Strange! Against God's plan, some might say.
Equally irritating, though less 'weird,' is wearing headphone that play your music so loudly that I can hear it despite the fact that it is intended to be private. Again, I don't get it.
This is all by way of saying: Hey, on the train, keep your music (and your hands) to yourself, unless you are the adorable old black guys who sing in faux-barbershop quartets and tell me to smile, baby.

Doing EVERYTHING on Facebook

Seriously, is it actually so hard to go to another website to send some person, oh, an email? Or an e-card? It's all in the same browser. I get worried when EVERY internet activity becomes subsumed into one interface. It's weird. Perhaps this is my American aversion to monopoly speaking (not the game, though). But honestly, if you want me to sign a petition, it's okay to just email it to me. Its okay to just go to Someecards and pick out a card. It's okay to just ask me to watch a Youtube video on actual Youtube.
This is probably just me. I am in some ways adverse to extreme versions of efficiency. Feel free to disagree.

Car owners in Chicago have to pay a lot of fees. In theory I support this, but that's off topic. What I don't support is when the state and/or city makes it difficult to comply with various car-related regulations.

Here's an example. I received a notice on Saturday that my license plate renewal application had been rejected (non-Illinoisans: every year we have to pay $91 to get a new sticker for our license plates. This is not the same as renewing your registration or getting a new City of Chicago sticker or...etc). The reason for the rejection? No emissions test on file. I guess that's reasonable...

...I drive a super-ultra-low-emissions vehicle, FYI, but that's apparently beside the point.

I need the new stickers on my car by 2/28 or I risk huge tickets. Man, I wish I'd been given more than 5 work days to deal. and looking at my schedule I would have to go this morning, and have to be done by 10:30am or I'd have to wait until next week and risk the damn tickets.

The emissions testing facility and the driver's services facility are both open from 8am - 5pm on weekdays.

Getting the emissions test and the stickers this morning was, in isolation, easy enough. There were ~10 minute waits at both locations, not too bad, and I was prepared with filled out forms and pre-written checks and knew which line (driver's services v. vehicle services, which is not as clear a distinction as one might assume) to stand in. I do remember that 8 years ago when I first started dealing with car-related stickers and forms and lines I found it all incredibly confusing and it took much longer.

Here's the rant part: the emissions test site is more than 7 miles away from the nearest plate-renewal place. Which means that these 2 errands took TWO HOURS from leaving my house to arriving at my office.

If emissions testing is a requirement for sticker purchase, how come I can't buy the stickers at the emissions test site or vice versa? At the very least if I'm going to have to drive all over the damn city the hours should be different. I know for budget reasons they can't have extended days every day, but why can't they open early one day a week? Or stay open late one day?

This does not even address the absurdity of the fact that I was never told I needed an emissions test to begin with. Apparently I'm to blame the USPS for that as I was supposedly mailed a notice. Whatever.

GET IT TOGETHER ILLINOIS!

What, did you expect me to write about the Oscars? I have some strong opinions, don't worry. But at the moment I'm too annoyed about my car.

Euphemisms

I love terrible pop music--my most recent love is Lady GaGa, who is awesome and refuses to wear pants. Love it, love her, love the dress, love the shoes, love it.
However, I must take this opportunity to object strongly to some of the euphemisms that she uses for sex. She "want to take a ride on your disco stick." Seriously, Gaga? Seriously? That's the best you can do? Disco stick?
Honestly, it's no wonder kids don't grow up knowing the proper names for their lady and boy parts, or how talk about sex. I blame pop music. Obviously, I am blinded by the sheer intensity of "disco stick"and can't come up with any other good examples. But I know they're out there.

Aggro Swimming

I am not a fan of aggressive behavior. I think it seems a sign of our diminished sensitivity that is so common in our modern world. But honestly, there are some places where I understand it, like getting off the subway or being pushy about your cable guy being 5 hours late. I can deal with it in these contexts, because I understand that it is important to stand up for one's self.

But there is one place where this behavior doesn't make sense: the pool. When I go for a swim, I do s not just for the exercise, but also for the calming effect of the repetitive activity. It's like a meditation. I enjoy that. What I don't enjoy? An 85 year old who swim short laps so he cut in front of other swimmers. Swimmers who try unsuccessfully to pass me and then weirdly run into me. I am over it. I am not interested in this behavior. It makes exercising unpleasant, and it is totally unnecessary. Just swim at the pace of the lane. If you want to swim fast, swim in the fast lane. Unbelievable.

So, if you swim, or run, or whatever, try to be polite and respectful of other people. It's only right, and I do it for you. Also, old cutting in front of people man, pull up your shorts. I saw your old man butt like 4 times.

"The Art of..."

As an arts manager, I get invited to a lot of seminars. Many are extraordinarily useful. Some aren't. I'm sure this is true of professional development seminars in all fields. Perhaps unique to the arts, however, is that most of these seminars are entitled "the art of..."

Just the ones I have handouts from or announcements about in easy reach:

The Art of Maximizing your PRI
The Art of Nonprofit Management: a governance forum
The Art of Online Grantwriting
The Art of Nonprofit Cash Management
Finding Foundation Funders: The Art of Successful Prospecting
The Art of New Media Marketing Strategies

I GET IT! IT'S SO PUNNY! Because it's for the arts! And it's about "the art of..." So CLEVER.

I'm sure playwrights hate attending workshops on "From Page to Stage" as well.

People who email "unsubscribe me"

We all get more e-mail then we want. I'm sure of that. Often it is tempting to unsubscribe from lists that send boring newsletters or overwhelm your inbox with discount offers. Fair. However, there's a huge difference between an automated marketing email and spam. Fundamentally, you had to opt-in (or fail to opt-out of) legit marketing efforts and those emails comply with the CAN-SPAM act of 2003.

All of those automated emails have a link at the bottom that you can click to automatically unsubscribe. All of them. BY LAW. If they don't, they are spamming. These companies would, frankly, much rather have you unsubscribe then, for example, hit the "mark as spam" button on your inbox (I'll get to why down below).

But the most annoying thing, the least helpful option, is for you to reply to that email. Because as soon as you do that a human will have to unsubscribe you, and it will take him or her more time--much more time--than it would take you to unsubscribe yourself. Why? Because he or she (and, ok, I *am* talking about me here) will have to login into the email service provider, look up your email--which sometimes isn't the email you replied from, if you have forwarding on WHICH IS OFTEN--and then unsubscribe you.

Ok, yes, this isn't a huge deal. I can unsubscribe you. I'm logging into the ESP (that's Email Service Provider) anyway to check on my click rate. BUT WHY COULDN'T YOU CLICK THE LINK AT THE BOTTOM OF THE EMAIL? It's in the same place on basically every marketing email you get, and it is less effort for you than actually replying.

So please, find the unsubscribe link. If there isn't one, report the originating company. File a complaint. Or even press the "report spam" link.

BONUS: Why do I not want you to choose "report spam"? Because every time you hit that button, your ISP (internet service provider) identifies the originator as a spammer. Which is awesome if they actually are. However, if they are a legit marketer, getting complaints from an ISP is bad. Because, you see, enough of these complaints and the ISP will block all emails from the originating company, and assume that they are spamming until proved otherwise. While I totally know that getting 25% off offers from J. Crew basically every single day (seriously J. Crew? I'm never paying full price again) is annoying, it is not the same as getting asked to give money to Nigerian princes.

Furthermore, if an emailer gets blocked by an ISP it's not just that their emails won't get through to you. They won't get through to anyone who uses your ISP. Oh, and if the company sends its email through an ESP? Well, sometimes all clients of that ESP will be effected. So if you report that discount offer from American Airlines as spam it could potentially mean that I am not able to send you information about my upcoming show. Think of the children people, think of the children.

Spray Tan

It ALWAYS looks fake, and I don't care that it is better for you than the tanning bed.

Subway Underpass Religious Singing Guy

I take the train to school every day, and I pass between the L platform and the 1/2/3 going uptown, which involves an underground transfer almost two city blocks long. It is long! And everyday there is this guy who sings "All My Loving" by The Beatles. On repeat. Every day. There has been only one day when I walked through the underpass and he was singing something else ("8 Days a Week," also by the Beatles). My schedule changes all the time, and I almost enevr take the train at the same time on any two days. But this guy, he is ALWAYS there, and he is always singing "All My Loving" while also selling weird books about converting me to Christianity. And let's be real here, the guy can;t sing that well, and he doesn't actually know the words.
It's time for a new song!

Oh My God! That smells like...

So, I go outside to run down the street and buy a coke at around 10:30 on this Valentine of a day, and I expect this to be a fairly painful task, since I live in 'Mardi Gras-bar-Jersey teenagers in bars' heaven on the Lower East Side of New York. My apartment happens to be sandwiched between several bars, none of which allow smoking inside (good thing), so there are always quite a few young, loud people in front of my building smoking and whatnot (not so good thing). I don't really care.
But the young blonde lady down the street does, because she smells "the weed." Now, I think she is probably from Alabama or some similar Deep Southern state. Her accent is great. Her obsession with finding out who is smoking weed on the street on a Saturday night in Party Central USA is not. Quiet, young lady. There's more where that came from. But unless you plan on attending the special Valentine's Day Counting Crowes-Phish Reunion concert featuring the editorial staff of High Times later tonight, get over it and MOVE ON. Get drunk like the rest of America. Or at least keep your commentary to a reasonable decible level.

Designer Water

Fiji, Smartwater, even the Poland Springs with the Earth-saving 33% smaller bottle. Even Evian.

It's all so dumb.

Hiding vegetables from your kid

Ok, I'm sorry: "obviously delicious, secretly nutritious" is a ridiculous slogan. I just saw a commercial where a mother intentionally makes noise to drown out her husband saying that the canned ravioli their son is eating has "one full serving of vegetables" in it. I have many feelings about this. MANY.

Here are a couple.

-Many healthy, well prepared, foods are delicious
-Kids (and adults) often claim not to like something they've only eaten once...and it could have been the way it was prepared or the fact that taste buds need time to adjust (note: I've been called a picky eater many a time, I'm not trying to claim that food preferences don't exist).
-Perpetuating the idea that vegetables have to be hidden is insane.

I feel the same way about Jessica Seinfeld's book about cooking vegetables into cookies, or whatever, so that kids will eat them.

Yeah, I don't have kids, and maybe I'll end up with children who only eat noodles and cake, but I'm pretty sure that saying vegetables aren't delicious isn't helping. Especially because, you know, most fruits and vegetables are in fact insanely delicious when well prepared. I'm also pretty sure that canned ravioli is gross (though I'll give it fast and cheap, which I know are very important).

Actually, that's not even the point. If people enjoy canned ravioli, delightful for them. I haven't eaten it, maybe it's delicious. Heck, I haven't looked at the label, maybe it's healthy. But the idea that you have to trick kids into eating food that is good for them is ludicrous and upsetting.

Not updating cafeteria signs

Ok, this is really just an excuse to post this photo, taken with cell phone camera in an elementary school cafeteria this AM.

Luckily the show we were doing did not, for once, feature any references to Chris Brown.

Dear Movies:

When Jews live in the forest because they are being hunted and murdered by the Nazis, they don't wear lipstick.

Sad, Sad Things

Sometimes two really good things will come together and make something awesome. Like that cute band She and Him, with M. Ward and Zoey Deschanel. SO cute!
Sometime two really good things will come together and make something terrible. Simply terrible. I give you exhibit A: The new Pink Panther franchise starring Steve Martin. I love the original Pink Panther with Peter Sellers, and I love Steve Martin. My mom used to joke that my dad was going to act the way that Steve Martin did in Father of the Bride. (Sadly, she now just jokes that the only boys who like me are 3 years old and like it when I read to them.) But wow, wow, wow. The new Pink Panther franchise is not okay with me. What a boondoggle-seeming situation. I know I shouldn't really critique something I haven't seen, but judging from the previews...

I couldn't have said it better myself

Sometimes, another person's words are more than enough to make a strong opinion about a trivial matter, and in so doing, make my day.
I give you Go Fug Yourself on Teyana Taylor.
http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/go_fug_yourself/2009/02/random_fug_teyana_taylor.html

Gossip Mags and Jessica Simpson

Confession: I love to read trashy gossip magazines and blogs. I am part of what's wrong with America. It's true. I will decry the fascination with Brangelina's children while secretly poring over every last photo as if there were a quiz.

My name is Heidi, and I subscribe to US Weekly.

Even I, however, have standards.

First, I don't know who Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are. I don't know why they are famous, and I don't care. So I have to skip all the articles about them (there goes half the magazine).

Second, although the occasional hypocrisy is kind of funny--I especially enjoy the feature where they bust the other weeklies for spreading false rumours on one page while starting competing rumors on the next--there are limits.

Case in point: if in the last issue you had a whole feature about Jessica Simpson (including photos of her in those truly unfortunate pants) then this week you can't have a cover story proclaiming "Jessica's Agony: Bullied for her weight".

That's like when the class bully does a special presentation to the whole class about how bullying is bad. It all sounds a little hollow.

Of course, were you to actually read the article you'd see that mixed in with the coverage of the extensive coverage (...) of J. Simp's waistline is a hearty dose of pop psychology about why she's let herself go.

I have strong opinions on two issues. First, why do we care? I mean, really? Isn't Jessica Simpson supposed to be a singer? Second, assuming that we do care, how is it reasonable to go from saying nasty things about her to the very next week write an article about how the media is bullying her? And as a coup de grace in that very article throw in more snide comments about her weight?

Of course, I did read the entire magazine. Except the part about how Lauren Conrad (who?) bought a new house.

People Who Hate the Olympics

Get over yourself. The Olympics rule.

Playing Pool in a Crowded Bar

Honestly, pool is fine with me. I often enjoy losing at pool.
What is not fine with me is when frat-y guys, or disaffected guys, or bankers trying to forget that next week they will be unemployed insist on playing pool in the middle of a crowded, crazy bar. If the bar has plenty of room, if there is room to walk to the bathroom, or to stand and talk to one's friends, then by all means: play pool. But don't ask me to move for "just a sec" every three minutes so that you can get that perfectly angled bank shot. Christ on a bike!
Don't think that this is only on the people who insist on playing pool in crowded areas; the bars are also at fault. Don't put a pool table in a small space, don't surround the pool table with bar stools, don't put the pool table near points of entrance or bathrooms. Terrible.

Bossy Walking

My next post in a series about terrible urban behavior:

I used to work with a lady who was great, and a good friend, but who had a terrible habit of being a "bossy walker." When we would walk to lunch, or to run a errand during a break, she would literally walk me off the sidewalk. We weren't drunk (during the day), she was just a bossy walker. I would ask her to watch her step, and she would slowly but surely walk me into parking meters, other people, buildings, gutters and traffic.
For the love of God, this is bad behavior. Bad, urban behavior.

Songs that Were Specifically Written to be Featured on Grey's Anatomy

In my incessant quest to make myself weep openly for no good reason, I have taken to watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy while working on the new draft of my thesis. The show stands up to scrutiny, at least the first season and a half...But oh, the music! The emo tunes!
So, we all remember The OC, a great prime-time teen soap that was basically an extended music video. Great show, featuring great diagetic and non-diagetic music of the highest quality, including the band of a family friend of mine, Ambulance LTD. In all seriousness, I learned about a lot of great bands from the OC, including The Walkmen, all introduced to me by sweet Seth Cohen, nerd-hipster extraordinaire.
In the wake of The OC, Shonda Rhimes' show Grey's Anatomy hit the air in 2005, and quickly became know for its trademark fun snark, raunchy and vaguely honest plotlines, and its great sound track. You automatically win my respect when you play Rilo Kiley in your show's pilot. Also, the amazing song inspired by Silence of the Lambs.
But quickly, too quickly, the music (which was, of course synergetically marketed by ABC) became overhwlemingly maudlin, and eventually kind of bad. In particular, I will point you to The Fray's "How to Save a Life." I am sure that this song was probably not actually written to be featured as someone so almost dies in surgery on Grey's Anatomy, but that is how it seems and it makes me nuts. Please. Gross. Stop.
Now, on the show it's one thing, but every once in a while I hear a Grey's song in the supermarket or the coffee shop. It makes me annoyed and sad, simultaneously. I wish these silly songs didn't exist. It's the opposite of a song that reminds you of a fun day, or a hilarious incident, like when my friend and I discovered a mix cd my brother had made for/about his high school girlfriend featuring "Don't Give Up" by the New Radicals, one of the most awesome/terrible songs ever. But every time I hear it, I laugh.
I cannot say the same about The Fray.

People Who Spoil TV Shows

I'm looking at you Time Out Chicago. Thanks for telling me who got kicked off Top Chef last night.

This is the age of DVRs. There's no such thing as appointment television anymore. The one show I care enough about to try to schedule my life around airs on Friday nights (because I'm a nerd), and since I like being married I usually have to wait until Saturday morning to watch. The rest of the shows aren't defining my schedule.

But here's the thing. Just because I didn't watch it last night doesn't mean I won't want to watch it sometime soon. Probably on the weekend when I have more free time. Or some night when I'm going to catch up on a bunch of television. And it's going to be really annoying if I already knows what happens.

There are some obvious boundaries here. I think it's probably fine for me to tell you that Jay wins the first season of Project Runway and that the second season of Lost begins with them finding that Desmond lives in the hatch. Those things happened a couple years ago. It's also ok for me to say that the rag tag fleet finds Earth, and it sucks. But within the first week of a television show airing it is simply inconsiderate to blurt out what happens without fair warning. Fair warning is easy "Hey, did you see Top Chef last night?!" replaces "Oh my god! I can't believe _____ got kicked off Top Chef last night!!" In print and on blogs a bold sentence declares: "spoiler warning: the following paragraph discusses last night's episode." That way when you inevitably give in and read ahead it's totally your own fault. You've been warned.

I'm also not going to tell you how The Murder of Roger Ackroyd ends, unless you ask. You know why? Because that book would stink if you knew the ending going in. Just read and enjoy. The long-term literary merit of reality television shows is much more dubious. However, the immediate entertainment value is similarly ruined if you tell me how it ends.

I just had the realization that most of this blog could be summed up in the following three words: DON'T BE RUDE.

He's Just Not That Into You...

You know what gets my goat? Both the utter rightness and total lack of nuance shown by "He's Just Not That Into You."

It is true. If some guy/girl is giving you the run around, making crazy excuses, pretending to sleep at work, asking to go on a break, not calling you, wants to have a threesome with your best friend, refuses to meet your parents/friends, says he believes in ghosts, doesn't try to have sex with you by Date 3....he probably doesn't like you that much, or maybe it isn't worth it. Cut your losses and run. So right! Thanks, show!

AND yet, the six word phrase that was made so famous in some episode of the "Sex in/and the City" is so completely lacking in nuance, shades of gray, an understanding of the complicated nature of human life--sometimes things are complicated and difficult. Sometimes it is okay to take a break, or maybe the person is scared of families because one time he or she dated a person whose family was super nuts or mean.

All I am trying to say, is that no creepy dating mantra deserves as much press as this nonsense has gotten, and nothing is that easy. Nothing.

And now it is a major motion picture starring everyone on earth, including Ben Affleck and Jennifer Aniston, who play the "old" people.

Bacon

I suspect that this will seem a strange post coming from me. I mean, I really like delicious foods that are not good for me, and yes, one of those foods is bacon. I put it on top of my meatloaf, enjoy bacon sandwiches for breakfast, etc.

But I am getting really annoyed by the general obsession with bacon that is going on. Why are people always talking about how amazing bacon is? Like that is something new- or that they are just totally wild and unusual. I was watching "Ultimate Recipe Showdown" last night, and one of the contestants made a grilled cheese with bacon & heirloom tomato sandwich & served it with a bacon infused tomato soup. One of the judges said, "Hello?- did you call my husband? Because he would have told you that I ADORE bacon. Anything with bacon is good." What? First, that isn't really true. Sometimes you can have too much bacon. Or adding bacon to the scene is too much (in fact, one judge who I found to be the voice of reason said that he didn't need bacon in both the soup and sandwich) Second, be quiet! It has this weird tone of a dirty confession, "oh, I am such a rebel, and I don't care, I will eat unhealthy food." Which is fine- but confessing a love for bacon is hardly out there. It doesn't make you naughty or strongly resisting some kind of pressure from the hippy-health-food culture. Also, it is only bacon that people feel okay talking about like that. When I talk about my extreme love of sausage, butter, or fudge, I get weird looks. But somehow bacon gets a pass. Also, now with the bacon band-aids, bacon bras, I heart bacon shirts... It is too much. Get over it. All you, "oh, I am so good, but I just can't resist bacon!" people- I recommend that you try some more food. There are other things out there. Let bacon just be a delicious food and not some weird fetish object.

ps. I am sure that I have been guilty of what I have spend this post complaining about. But now I have noticed it, and it totally irritates me, so I will be correcting my behavior.

Eating "Downtown"

This was a problem in Chicago, and it is a problem near Penn Station too. There is no place normal to eat "downtown." I either have to buy $19 soup, or fast food. Within 3 blocks of my new office, there are the following fast food chains: McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, White Castle, Grey's Papaya, Dunkin' Donuts, Subway and Starbucks. There is maybe a Japanese restaurant downstairs, a liquor store across the street and a super expensivo midtown style fresh salad place in the first floor of my building. Honest to god, how hard is it to have a regular deli? Or a falafel place?
So it was in Chicago when I worked downtown near the Lake. There were Au Bon Pains (get it? haha) everywhere, with the $45 sandwhich nonsense, and Popeyes.
Where is the reasonable in between. I am not in a damn airport, I am in Midtown Manhattan, for crying out loud. A little common decency.

Light text on Dark Background

Can we be over this please? It's harder to read. It makes your eyes water. For anything other than titles or very short sections of text, light text on a dark background on a website is ridiculous and painful.

Gmail redesign

First, Why didn't you tell me gmail? Why did I have to learn from Lifehacker that new "features" were coming to gmail? I know you've been in Beta for years (which, also, get over yourself gmail), but still.
I'm generally fine with the buttons on top, but why so square? Why so shiny? Why the new font? Why are the same features now on the top as in the sidebar? I know I can customize this, but if you were going to change the way things work up top, why not add new features instead of merely replicating existing ones that were already on the same page? Why is this necessary?

Perhaps I just hate change. Ask me in a few weeks, maybe I won't even remember what is different.

This does remind me that some people use their gmail differently from how I use my gmail. Some of you, I hear, don't archive anything. Weirdos. I bet this is more useful for you.

Snow Umbrellas

You know what makes me nuts? People who walk around in snowy weather with umbrellas. It's not that much precipitation, kids. It takes up massive amounts of new York sidewalk, which is not that wide to begin with. When it is raining, I will (sort of) abide 1,000,000 umbrellas on the streets. When it snows, wear a hat and deal.

Idiots!

Tom Daschle, Tim Geithner, all Democrats: pay your taxes, idiots.

E*Trade/Baby Ads

Terrible. Truly awful. Why is this animatronic robot baby talking like a frat boy? How is this to do with internet stock trading? Why is the baby mean to others? Why does it flirt with other babies? Why does it make me (fondly?) think of that dancing baby on Ally McBeal? Gross. The whole thing is disjointed, bizarre and altogether disconcerting in a way that makes me want to have children less, because I am afraid that my weird robot baby will sit in his high chair and trade internet stocks in an effort to supplement our family income. Ick.
There are a lot of commercials I hate, but having seen this series last night during the Superbowl and at the movie theater the day before, I am fed up.

(Hybrid) SUVs

This borders on the non-trivial, but my ire is perhaps disproportionate, so I think the theme holds. Feel free to comment if I'm wrong.

There are precisely two scenarios where owning an SUV is acceptable: you live in an area with rough access (mountains, dirt roads that cross streams, no roads at all) or you simply must tow other things behind your car. And actually, in the second case, I'm not convinced.

There is no rationale--none--for owning an SUV in the city. I'll bet that Dixie's old Jetta station wagon had more trunk space than any mid-sized SUV. As for the behemoth SUVs, there is no excuse. Most people do not need to drive that much stuff around on a regular basis. If you have many kids, then minivan. If you run a business, a van. If, like Dixie, you find yourself hauling heavy things--props, scenery, musical equipment--every day, then an adorable pick-up truck makes a lot of sense.

Furthermore, many people who say they "need" the space claim that because once a year they go on a big road trip or help a friend move. This is an irresponsible way to calculate what type of vehicle you "need". What should go into the calculation is the daily/weekly routine. The exceptions can be efficiently dealt with as they come up.

I know that SUVs were, for a time, cool. This is on the face of it absurd, and luckily we mostly got over that when gas prices went through the roof and people realized that driving enormous and inefficient vehicles was not a smart move. See: collapse of the American car industry.

I'm sure you all know why I am anti-SUV. In a nutshell, I care a little about the environment. As my sister likes to put it, I care enough not to be an asshole, but not so much as to inconvenience all my friends or completely give up on the comforts of modern life. SUVs are absurd by any measure.

However, buying a new car before you need one is also environmentally irresponsible. If you currently own an SUV in good repair, the most responsible thing to do is to keep driving it until it is dead (or sell it to someone who will do the same). The only purpose for a hybrid SUV is to make people feel like they are making a responsible, hip, green choice by buying one.

This is wrong. I am by no means an expert, but my research indicates that hybrid SUVs are less efficient than most normal, non-hybrid, cars. While there are some minor fuel savings when directly compared with station wagons or bigger sedans, those are for the most part offset by manufacturing methods and materials, not to mention driving styles (if you want a screed on that, email me. I don't want to bore everyone).

In the interest of full disclosure, I have an 8-year old Prius. I got it in February 2001 (happy birthday car!) and for the first two years was often stopped at red lights to answer questions about my weird car. Strangers in parking lots wanted to know if I had to plug it in, and whether I was worried about electrocution (no to both). At the time, I was optimistic that by the time I needed a new car, the hybrid would be obsolete. It was, in 2001, so obviously a bridge technology. Oh, how wrong I was. My Prius is showing signs of age, and it is still cutting edge. So while I support hybrid technology, I'm really sad that it is not further on the way toward obsolescence.

Back to hybrid SUVs. My major problem is that unless you belong to the small subset of people for whom driving an SUV is a necessity, a hybrid SUV is still an irresponsible choice of vehicle. Hybrid SUVs represent exactly the time of "green" consumerism that is actually bad for the environment, and come wrapped with a sense of smugness.

So please. If you just want the hybrid label, and think a Prius is ridiculous looking and tiny (true) consider a hybrid Camry. For the three days a year that you need more space, consider a UHaul ($20/day rental) or a clamshell for the top. Or ask Dixie if you can borrow her pick-up truck. It's super cute.

People who talk on the phone at a movie

Seriously? You just paid $12 to see Synecdoche, New York, and you are going to take a phone call in the middle of it and then talk on the phone on the stairs on your way outside? Ridiculous. More to the point, I paid $12 to see Synedoche, New York, and you have just interrupted my afternoon by being ridiculous. Save your money and stay home, watch something on On-Demand cable and don't bother the rest of us. Unless you are a doctor, there is no call that you have to take in the middle of my movie-going experience.

Parking Lots

Most of my ire on this subject has historically been directed toward the Whole Foods parking lot on Ashland, however, I was there yesterday and the direction signs seem to have entirely faded (THEY'VE GIVEN UP) and thus my righteous indignation is less righteous. However. Back to the point:

In many parking lots there are arrows painted on the ground showing the direction of traffic. I point this out because most of you don't seem to notice this. You know why those arrows are there? Because if people obey them, we'll all get out of the lot faster, with fewer accidents, and in an orderly fashion.

I live in a city. Even in this city with lots of land, most parking lots are not big enough for each lane to be two-directional and for cars to pull in and out easily. It may seem sometimes that it will be quicker to cut across several lanes in the wrong direction. If it's 4am and there's no one there, sure. That seems reasonable. But at, say, 6:30pm on a weekday at a grocery store...no. Unacceptable.

But, you say, if I don't do that the car over there will get that space I see! That perfect space. True. That may be true. But you know what? I'm in that car over there, and I followed the god damn rules, and you're being an a-hole.

Ahem. Rudeness aside, going the wrong direction also causes the entire system to slow down. Cars can't pull out of spaces for fear of hitting everyone else. The cars with their lights blinking waiting for the other cars that are pulling out sometimes have to back up and go around. (only to have their slots stolen by a-holes, most likely). It all becomes dangerous, slow, and incredibly frustrating.

Anyone who has occasion to be near the aforementioned Whole Foods on a weekday after work can attest to this. Traffic will back up for blocks as people can't turn off the street into the lot because there's too much traffic within the lot. Some of that is not fixable. But most of it is, or would be if they hadn't given up and let the arrows fade. (Also, the problem at this lot is compounded by the fact that the Whole Foods patrons seem loath to use the indoor adjacent parking lot that is also free. So there will often be many empty spaces inside while a dozen cars back up traffic for blocks with their idiotic, non-arrow-following, ways).

I see three solutions:
1) Bikes and backpacks
2) Get rid of surface parking. Move it all into lots underground with their elaborate one-way lanes.
3) Stop being a-holes. Follow the rules.

Rick Warren

This is not trivial, and not that recent, but it makes me mad, so I am going to say my piece. Rick Warren should not have been invited to give a prayer at Obama's inauguration. Seriously. This is probably a good guy, and he obviously inspires a lot of people, but he is not, to me, a role model of the Christian faith. He has spent time and money preaching on the evils of homosexuality and gay marriage. Boo to that. Boo, I say! What ever happened to love thy neighbor as thyself, and forgiveness and tolerance? Why give this guy a platform from which to speak? Why validate his hateful positions under the guise of bi-partisan cooperation? The Republicans aren't going to vote for the stimulus package because Rick Warren was on the dais. Plus, how many other amazing, inspiring Christian leaders are there in this country who could have given the prayer? There must be one of two? I always liked the crazy Catholic priests we had at Bond Chapel. They spent way more time talking about the evils of capital punishment and never once mentioned abortion while I was there.
Sigh, Prez Obama. Sigh.

Electronic Resources

Now, I realize that this is a first world problem of the highest order, and one that really applies only to people like me, whose work-study job is to conduct research on South Africa for a professor in my graduate school program. Now, I love this job, and I will be really sad to have to leave it in May, so I take this rather seriously.

It is my current assignment to proof a bibliography for this professor's new book, and it is so much harder than it should be. Half the newspapers that are supposed to be on LexisNexis aren't, and Factiva is a fucking joke. Seriously. I never thought I would ever care, but I really do. I take issue with this mainly because these newspapers are 2nd/3rd world publications, and they are not being properly documented, which I think is kind of racist. Anyway, it makes me super mad that there is no way to double check the page number of an article in the Mail & Guardian because it is not properly archived online. Dumb. This is what the internet is for!

New Haven

If you went to Yale, and someone asks you where you went to college, please don't say "New Haven." We know what that means; you went to Yale. Good for you- you are probably smart. Bad for us, you are totally pretentious. I do not think that you are modest and awesome. I think that you are assuming that I know that Yale is in New Haven (which I do, but still), and that makes me think that you are saying your university is so famous that I should be in awe of you and feel bad about myself, and that makes me think that you are a douche. Note: this also goes for Cambridge/Harvard. Similar unacceptable statements include "while I was in New Haven, I dated this guy..." No. Please say, "at Yale" or "at college." Exceptions are if you are talking about something New Haven specific- like "When I lived in New Haven, I ate a lot of pizza." That is fine but barely.

Interestingly, the same goes for if you went to New Haven Technical Institute. If you say, "when I was studying in New Haven..." I will think of Yale. And then it is weird when I find out that you didn't go to Yale, and wonder why you are ashamed of your school. I actually find that less annoying, though.

Ex-boyfriends Ruining Songs

So, sometimes you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend, or transgendered friend), and (s)he is the worst, or your relationship is terrible, or you break up because he wants to get back together with a Scientologist. This sucks. Truly. Not Trivial in the slightest.

But the worst is when you hear a song and you think of this person, and you cry and the song in RUINED.

That is so lame. Songs are for all people! I want to listen to "Lay, Lady, Lay" on repeat because it is great, not because this one time we heard it at a concert and it is so romantic. It's not romantic. It is sad as hell, and vaguely abusive.

I am happy to say that tonight, a number of songs that once belonged to the ages have helped me write my thesis. Take that, boys!

This is the first in a series of Valentine's Day related posts that have nothing to do with my non-existent love life.

Cake does not come from a mix

I make no claims on the cooking front. I agree with Dixie that modifying prepared food does not count as creating an amazing recipe, though I have recently become a big fan of Cooking With All Things Trader Joe's. I'm good at making marinara sauce, poached eggs and spinach (often together). Beyond that, I'm really good at delivery and leftovers.

However, when it comes to baking I have some feelings.

Thing 1, Cake does not come from a mix. Neither do cookies. Or pancakes.

Here's the secret about baking: the hardest part is cleaning up. Beyond that, it's chemistry. Unless you want to get fancy and make up your own new taste sensations, all you have to do is precisely follow the directions. Sure, you may have to make an allowance for an unbalanced oven or altitude, but beyond that....follow the directions.

You don't have to chop a million spices, use any fancy knife skills, or constantly taste for salt. Nope, just follow the instructions in the recipe. Easy. Baking a cake is much easier than making a killer entree.

Cake mixes require, and please correct me if I'm wrong, adding 3 or so ingredients to the mix, then putting it in a pan and baking it. Baking a cake from scratch adds a few more ingredients (but not that many more) and creates a much more delicious end product with many fewer chemicals.

Example. The internet tells me that Betty Crocker "super moist" chocolate cake mix contains: Sugar, Enriched Flour Bleached (Wheat Flour, Niacin, Iron, Thiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Partially Hydrogenated Soybean and/or Cottonseed Oil, Cocoa Processed with Alkali, Modified Corn Starch, Corn Starch, Baking Soda, Carob Powder, Propylene Glycol Monoesters of Fatty Acids, Lactose, Salt, Distilled Monoglycerides, Modified Whey, Artificial Color, Sodium Aluminum Phosphate, Dicalcium Phosphate, Monocalcium Phosphate, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Monoglycerides, Xanthan Gum, Datem. Artificial Flavor, Aluminum Sulfate.

To that list of unpronounceables one adds vegetable oil, water, and eggs.

Do you even know what half those things are? They don't even bother to break out "artificial flavor".

My grandmother's super moist chocolate cake recipe, by contrast, calls for sugar, butter, eggs, milk, hot water, baking soda, flour, cocoa, and vanilla. 9 ingredients, all of which most of you have in your kitchen already. There are many simpler cake recipes that use fewer ingredients, this is just a compare and contrast.

I'll guarantee you that the "from scratch" cake takes only 5 minutes longer to prepare and tastes much much better.

I feel similarly about cookies and brownies, and please let's not get started on Bisquick for pancakes. Making pancakes from scratch requires flour, baking soda, milk, and an egg. Oh, and a dash of salt, and of course butter or oil for the griddle. Making pancakes from Bisquick does not save any time, and I'll put my pancakes next to yours any day. Plus then you have a big yellow box in your cupboard when you could just have flour.

Look, I'm all for laziness. I eat the occasional frozen dinner. But if you're going to make cake, it might as well taste delicious.

Oh, and frosting? It does not come from a can. It comes from mixing confectioners sugar with milk and butter. Or any number of other 3 ingredient options.

The word "guesstimate"...

is unacceptable. Also, not a word.

I make great...

I get really annoyed when people claim that they make a really great (insert food here) and then you learn that they just modify some store bought thing. Such as, "I make really great chicken soup- I take the campbell's soup, and I add that roasted chicken from Jewel and some mushrooms." No, you don't make great chicken soup. My mom does. You have a good idea about how to make canned soup better. Don't get too excited about yourself.

Now, I am a terrible baker. I don't have the focus, precision or drive to be really good. So, when I bake a cake, I use Duncan Hines. And you know what? IT IS DELICIOUS and a lot better than it would be if I made it from scratch. Now, I am not going to go around saying "I bake awesome cakes" because I don't. But I might say, "yo, I baked this cake. From a box. Would you like a slice? It is delicious." and that is fine (HEIDI.) I'm not making any false claims there. But please, don't tell me about your awesome chili recipe, when we are talking about you heating up a can and adding cheese. But yes, I will have a bowl of it, thank you.

Edison Plugs in Airport Waiting Areas

Seriously, it's the 90s people! We all have laptops! If there are only two plugs, and one teenager from Belarus is somehow using both outlets because his cell phone charger takes over the whole thing, the rest of us can't watch videos or play games or do emails. Seriously. Every airport in American needs to go to the Walgreen's and buy some power strips and make the airport just a little bit more civilized.

Fake Vegetarianism

Ann Marie feels strongly about veganism. I, having been a vegetarian for going on 15 years, feel strongly about vegetarianism.

Here's the thing. If you eat fish, you are not a vegetarian. You aren't. You're someone who doesn't eat red meat or chicken.

If you eat chicken, you are not a vegetarian. You are someone who doesn't eat red meat.

And so on. Vegetarians come in a couple flavors: Lacto-ovo vegetarians are people like me who don't eat meat, but do eat dairy products and honey and gelatin. We usually wear leather and aren't fanatical about products derived from animal by-products.

Lacto Vegetarians drink milk but don't eat eggs. Ovo-vegetarians (are rare) eat eggs but not milk products. Etc.

Vegans don't eat any food that once had something to do with an animal. This usually includes gelatin and yeast and sometimes honey. Vegans usually don't wear leather and are much more vigilant about what products they bring into their home.

There's one thing in common here though: no type of vegetarian eats animals.

Fish are in the animal kingdom. If you eat fish you can not in good conscience call yourself a vegetarian.

I don't care what you eat. I'm not judging your choices. I make my choices, you make yours, we all live happily together. I'm much more likely to lecture you about sustainable cleaning products than giving up meat.

So, in case I wasn't clear, if you eat any type of animal, you are not a vegetarian.