It's The Recession, Stupid

I have new least favorite phrase. I spent much of last week at seminars and networking events and meetings with others who do similar work. At many of these events we discussed, natch, the art of fundraising in difficult times.

The following phrases were pretty common:
"What do you think the impact of the economy will be for you?"
"Will you have to cut expenses because of the economy?"

Now, while the latter phrase I can give a pass, I find the former objectionable. There is always an economy, good or bad. I got a C on my Macro final mostly because I couldn't fathom how to reduce the economy to a point on a line or a variable in an equation, but I did understand that the existence of an economy was a constant in even basic societies.

Saying "the impact of the economy" is imprecise and euphemistic. We're in a recession. That's a problem. We're also in an economy, that's a constant.

There's a credit crisis, which may effect my organization (well, not mine, but ones that rely on credit). The financial system collapsed. There are lots of scary nouns and adjectives we can throw around, either to modify "economy" or to replace it. Choose the most applicable. Recession will do fine in most cases.

What will the impact of the recession be on my organization? I don't know, and it's scary to think about. Probably we need to do some strategic thinking and plan several scenarios. Asking me about the "impact of the economy" isn't less terrifying, it's just less precise. And annoying. Yes, I've seen that episode of the West Wing. So fine, call it a bagel. Call it whatever you want. But don't pretend that asking me about the impact of the economy means anything.

Saturday

As a caveat, a am not a morning person, and I never wake up on time. But truly, 9 AM class on a Saturday is cruel and unusual. I remember being in Driver's Ed on Saturdays for two months in high school. It was terrible. If you are going to have a meeting or a class, for the love of God, make it start at 10 AM.

No Headphones, No Respect

God invented headphones s that people can listen to their own music privately. This is particularly useful in public places, like the train. So when I am waiting for the train, I am often taken aback by people with small, personal electronics that they are using without headphones at all. Strange! Against God's plan, some might say.
Equally irritating, though less 'weird,' is wearing headphone that play your music so loudly that I can hear it despite the fact that it is intended to be private. Again, I don't get it.
This is all by way of saying: Hey, on the train, keep your music (and your hands) to yourself, unless you are the adorable old black guys who sing in faux-barbershop quartets and tell me to smile, baby.

Doing EVERYTHING on Facebook

Seriously, is it actually so hard to go to another website to send some person, oh, an email? Or an e-card? It's all in the same browser. I get worried when EVERY internet activity becomes subsumed into one interface. It's weird. Perhaps this is my American aversion to monopoly speaking (not the game, though). But honestly, if you want me to sign a petition, it's okay to just email it to me. Its okay to just go to Someecards and pick out a card. It's okay to just ask me to watch a Youtube video on actual Youtube.
This is probably just me. I am in some ways adverse to extreme versions of efficiency. Feel free to disagree.

Car owners in Chicago have to pay a lot of fees. In theory I support this, but that's off topic. What I don't support is when the state and/or city makes it difficult to comply with various car-related regulations.

Here's an example. I received a notice on Saturday that my license plate renewal application had been rejected (non-Illinoisans: every year we have to pay $91 to get a new sticker for our license plates. This is not the same as renewing your registration or getting a new City of Chicago sticker or...etc). The reason for the rejection? No emissions test on file. I guess that's reasonable...

...I drive a super-ultra-low-emissions vehicle, FYI, but that's apparently beside the point.

I need the new stickers on my car by 2/28 or I risk huge tickets. Man, I wish I'd been given more than 5 work days to deal. and looking at my schedule I would have to go this morning, and have to be done by 10:30am or I'd have to wait until next week and risk the damn tickets.

The emissions testing facility and the driver's services facility are both open from 8am - 5pm on weekdays.

Getting the emissions test and the stickers this morning was, in isolation, easy enough. There were ~10 minute waits at both locations, not too bad, and I was prepared with filled out forms and pre-written checks and knew which line (driver's services v. vehicle services, which is not as clear a distinction as one might assume) to stand in. I do remember that 8 years ago when I first started dealing with car-related stickers and forms and lines I found it all incredibly confusing and it took much longer.

Here's the rant part: the emissions test site is more than 7 miles away from the nearest plate-renewal place. Which means that these 2 errands took TWO HOURS from leaving my house to arriving at my office.

If emissions testing is a requirement for sticker purchase, how come I can't buy the stickers at the emissions test site or vice versa? At the very least if I'm going to have to drive all over the damn city the hours should be different. I know for budget reasons they can't have extended days every day, but why can't they open early one day a week? Or stay open late one day?

This does not even address the absurdity of the fact that I was never told I needed an emissions test to begin with. Apparently I'm to blame the USPS for that as I was supposedly mailed a notice. Whatever.

GET IT TOGETHER ILLINOIS!

What, did you expect me to write about the Oscars? I have some strong opinions, don't worry. But at the moment I'm too annoyed about my car.

Euphemisms

I love terrible pop music--my most recent love is Lady GaGa, who is awesome and refuses to wear pants. Love it, love her, love the dress, love the shoes, love it.
However, I must take this opportunity to object strongly to some of the euphemisms that she uses for sex. She "want to take a ride on your disco stick." Seriously, Gaga? Seriously? That's the best you can do? Disco stick?
Honestly, it's no wonder kids don't grow up knowing the proper names for their lady and boy parts, or how talk about sex. I blame pop music. Obviously, I am blinded by the sheer intensity of "disco stick"and can't come up with any other good examples. But I know they're out there.

Aggro Swimming

I am not a fan of aggressive behavior. I think it seems a sign of our diminished sensitivity that is so common in our modern world. But honestly, there are some places where I understand it, like getting off the subway or being pushy about your cable guy being 5 hours late. I can deal with it in these contexts, because I understand that it is important to stand up for one's self.

But there is one place where this behavior doesn't make sense: the pool. When I go for a swim, I do s not just for the exercise, but also for the calming effect of the repetitive activity. It's like a meditation. I enjoy that. What I don't enjoy? An 85 year old who swim short laps so he cut in front of other swimmers. Swimmers who try unsuccessfully to pass me and then weirdly run into me. I am over it. I am not interested in this behavior. It makes exercising unpleasant, and it is totally unnecessary. Just swim at the pace of the lane. If you want to swim fast, swim in the fast lane. Unbelievable.

So, if you swim, or run, or whatever, try to be polite and respectful of other people. It's only right, and I do it for you. Also, old cutting in front of people man, pull up your shorts. I saw your old man butt like 4 times.

"The Art of..."

As an arts manager, I get invited to a lot of seminars. Many are extraordinarily useful. Some aren't. I'm sure this is true of professional development seminars in all fields. Perhaps unique to the arts, however, is that most of these seminars are entitled "the art of..."

Just the ones I have handouts from or announcements about in easy reach:

The Art of Maximizing your PRI
The Art of Nonprofit Management: a governance forum
The Art of Online Grantwriting
The Art of Nonprofit Cash Management
Finding Foundation Funders: The Art of Successful Prospecting
The Art of New Media Marketing Strategies

I GET IT! IT'S SO PUNNY! Because it's for the arts! And it's about "the art of..." So CLEVER.

I'm sure playwrights hate attending workshops on "From Page to Stage" as well.

People who email "unsubscribe me"

We all get more e-mail then we want. I'm sure of that. Often it is tempting to unsubscribe from lists that send boring newsletters or overwhelm your inbox with discount offers. Fair. However, there's a huge difference between an automated marketing email and spam. Fundamentally, you had to opt-in (or fail to opt-out of) legit marketing efforts and those emails comply with the CAN-SPAM act of 2003.

All of those automated emails have a link at the bottom that you can click to automatically unsubscribe. All of them. BY LAW. If they don't, they are spamming. These companies would, frankly, much rather have you unsubscribe then, for example, hit the "mark as spam" button on your inbox (I'll get to why down below).

But the most annoying thing, the least helpful option, is for you to reply to that email. Because as soon as you do that a human will have to unsubscribe you, and it will take him or her more time--much more time--than it would take you to unsubscribe yourself. Why? Because he or she (and, ok, I *am* talking about me here) will have to login into the email service provider, look up your email--which sometimes isn't the email you replied from, if you have forwarding on WHICH IS OFTEN--and then unsubscribe you.

Ok, yes, this isn't a huge deal. I can unsubscribe you. I'm logging into the ESP (that's Email Service Provider) anyway to check on my click rate. BUT WHY COULDN'T YOU CLICK THE LINK AT THE BOTTOM OF THE EMAIL? It's in the same place on basically every marketing email you get, and it is less effort for you than actually replying.

So please, find the unsubscribe link. If there isn't one, report the originating company. File a complaint. Or even press the "report spam" link.

BONUS: Why do I not want you to choose "report spam"? Because every time you hit that button, your ISP (internet service provider) identifies the originator as a spammer. Which is awesome if they actually are. However, if they are a legit marketer, getting complaints from an ISP is bad. Because, you see, enough of these complaints and the ISP will block all emails from the originating company, and assume that they are spamming until proved otherwise. While I totally know that getting 25% off offers from J. Crew basically every single day (seriously J. Crew? I'm never paying full price again) is annoying, it is not the same as getting asked to give money to Nigerian princes.

Furthermore, if an emailer gets blocked by an ISP it's not just that their emails won't get through to you. They won't get through to anyone who uses your ISP. Oh, and if the company sends its email through an ESP? Well, sometimes all clients of that ESP will be effected. So if you report that discount offer from American Airlines as spam it could potentially mean that I am not able to send you information about my upcoming show. Think of the children people, think of the children.

Spray Tan

It ALWAYS looks fake, and I don't care that it is better for you than the tanning bed.

Subway Underpass Religious Singing Guy

I take the train to school every day, and I pass between the L platform and the 1/2/3 going uptown, which involves an underground transfer almost two city blocks long. It is long! And everyday there is this guy who sings "All My Loving" by The Beatles. On repeat. Every day. There has been only one day when I walked through the underpass and he was singing something else ("8 Days a Week," also by the Beatles). My schedule changes all the time, and I almost enevr take the train at the same time on any two days. But this guy, he is ALWAYS there, and he is always singing "All My Loving" while also selling weird books about converting me to Christianity. And let's be real here, the guy can;t sing that well, and he doesn't actually know the words.
It's time for a new song!

Oh My God! That smells like...

So, I go outside to run down the street and buy a coke at around 10:30 on this Valentine of a day, and I expect this to be a fairly painful task, since I live in 'Mardi Gras-bar-Jersey teenagers in bars' heaven on the Lower East Side of New York. My apartment happens to be sandwiched between several bars, none of which allow smoking inside (good thing), so there are always quite a few young, loud people in front of my building smoking and whatnot (not so good thing). I don't really care.
But the young blonde lady down the street does, because she smells "the weed." Now, I think she is probably from Alabama or some similar Deep Southern state. Her accent is great. Her obsession with finding out who is smoking weed on the street on a Saturday night in Party Central USA is not. Quiet, young lady. There's more where that came from. But unless you plan on attending the special Valentine's Day Counting Crowes-Phish Reunion concert featuring the editorial staff of High Times later tonight, get over it and MOVE ON. Get drunk like the rest of America. Or at least keep your commentary to a reasonable decible level.

Designer Water

Fiji, Smartwater, even the Poland Springs with the Earth-saving 33% smaller bottle. Even Evian.

It's all so dumb.

Hiding vegetables from your kid

Ok, I'm sorry: "obviously delicious, secretly nutritious" is a ridiculous slogan. I just saw a commercial where a mother intentionally makes noise to drown out her husband saying that the canned ravioli their son is eating has "one full serving of vegetables" in it. I have many feelings about this. MANY.

Here are a couple.

-Many healthy, well prepared, foods are delicious
-Kids (and adults) often claim not to like something they've only eaten once...and it could have been the way it was prepared or the fact that taste buds need time to adjust (note: I've been called a picky eater many a time, I'm not trying to claim that food preferences don't exist).
-Perpetuating the idea that vegetables have to be hidden is insane.

I feel the same way about Jessica Seinfeld's book about cooking vegetables into cookies, or whatever, so that kids will eat them.

Yeah, I don't have kids, and maybe I'll end up with children who only eat noodles and cake, but I'm pretty sure that saying vegetables aren't delicious isn't helping. Especially because, you know, most fruits and vegetables are in fact insanely delicious when well prepared. I'm also pretty sure that canned ravioli is gross (though I'll give it fast and cheap, which I know are very important).

Actually, that's not even the point. If people enjoy canned ravioli, delightful for them. I haven't eaten it, maybe it's delicious. Heck, I haven't looked at the label, maybe it's healthy. But the idea that you have to trick kids into eating food that is good for them is ludicrous and upsetting.

Not updating cafeteria signs

Ok, this is really just an excuse to post this photo, taken with cell phone camera in an elementary school cafeteria this AM.

Luckily the show we were doing did not, for once, feature any references to Chris Brown.

Dear Movies:

When Jews live in the forest because they are being hunted and murdered by the Nazis, they don't wear lipstick.

Sad, Sad Things

Sometimes two really good things will come together and make something awesome. Like that cute band She and Him, with M. Ward and Zoey Deschanel. SO cute!
Sometime two really good things will come together and make something terrible. Simply terrible. I give you exhibit A: The new Pink Panther franchise starring Steve Martin. I love the original Pink Panther with Peter Sellers, and I love Steve Martin. My mom used to joke that my dad was going to act the way that Steve Martin did in Father of the Bride. (Sadly, she now just jokes that the only boys who like me are 3 years old and like it when I read to them.) But wow, wow, wow. The new Pink Panther franchise is not okay with me. What a boondoggle-seeming situation. I know I shouldn't really critique something I haven't seen, but judging from the previews...

I couldn't have said it better myself

Sometimes, another person's words are more than enough to make a strong opinion about a trivial matter, and in so doing, make my day.
I give you Go Fug Yourself on Teyana Taylor.
http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/go_fug_yourself/2009/02/random_fug_teyana_taylor.html

Gossip Mags and Jessica Simpson

Confession: I love to read trashy gossip magazines and blogs. I am part of what's wrong with America. It's true. I will decry the fascination with Brangelina's children while secretly poring over every last photo as if there were a quiz.

My name is Heidi, and I subscribe to US Weekly.

Even I, however, have standards.

First, I don't know who Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are. I don't know why they are famous, and I don't care. So I have to skip all the articles about them (there goes half the magazine).

Second, although the occasional hypocrisy is kind of funny--I especially enjoy the feature where they bust the other weeklies for spreading false rumours on one page while starting competing rumors on the next--there are limits.

Case in point: if in the last issue you had a whole feature about Jessica Simpson (including photos of her in those truly unfortunate pants) then this week you can't have a cover story proclaiming "Jessica's Agony: Bullied for her weight".

That's like when the class bully does a special presentation to the whole class about how bullying is bad. It all sounds a little hollow.

Of course, were you to actually read the article you'd see that mixed in with the coverage of the extensive coverage (...) of J. Simp's waistline is a hearty dose of pop psychology about why she's let herself go.

I have strong opinions on two issues. First, why do we care? I mean, really? Isn't Jessica Simpson supposed to be a singer? Second, assuming that we do care, how is it reasonable to go from saying nasty things about her to the very next week write an article about how the media is bullying her? And as a coup de grace in that very article throw in more snide comments about her weight?

Of course, I did read the entire magazine. Except the part about how Lauren Conrad (who?) bought a new house.

People Who Hate the Olympics

Get over yourself. The Olympics rule.

Playing Pool in a Crowded Bar

Honestly, pool is fine with me. I often enjoy losing at pool.
What is not fine with me is when frat-y guys, or disaffected guys, or bankers trying to forget that next week they will be unemployed insist on playing pool in the middle of a crowded, crazy bar. If the bar has plenty of room, if there is room to walk to the bathroom, or to stand and talk to one's friends, then by all means: play pool. But don't ask me to move for "just a sec" every three minutes so that you can get that perfectly angled bank shot. Christ on a bike!
Don't think that this is only on the people who insist on playing pool in crowded areas; the bars are also at fault. Don't put a pool table in a small space, don't surround the pool table with bar stools, don't put the pool table near points of entrance or bathrooms. Terrible.

Bossy Walking

My next post in a series about terrible urban behavior:

I used to work with a lady who was great, and a good friend, but who had a terrible habit of being a "bossy walker." When we would walk to lunch, or to run a errand during a break, she would literally walk me off the sidewalk. We weren't drunk (during the day), she was just a bossy walker. I would ask her to watch her step, and she would slowly but surely walk me into parking meters, other people, buildings, gutters and traffic.
For the love of God, this is bad behavior. Bad, urban behavior.

Songs that Were Specifically Written to be Featured on Grey's Anatomy

In my incessant quest to make myself weep openly for no good reason, I have taken to watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy while working on the new draft of my thesis. The show stands up to scrutiny, at least the first season and a half...But oh, the music! The emo tunes!
So, we all remember The OC, a great prime-time teen soap that was basically an extended music video. Great show, featuring great diagetic and non-diagetic music of the highest quality, including the band of a family friend of mine, Ambulance LTD. In all seriousness, I learned about a lot of great bands from the OC, including The Walkmen, all introduced to me by sweet Seth Cohen, nerd-hipster extraordinaire.
In the wake of The OC, Shonda Rhimes' show Grey's Anatomy hit the air in 2005, and quickly became know for its trademark fun snark, raunchy and vaguely honest plotlines, and its great sound track. You automatically win my respect when you play Rilo Kiley in your show's pilot. Also, the amazing song inspired by Silence of the Lambs.
But quickly, too quickly, the music (which was, of course synergetically marketed by ABC) became overhwlemingly maudlin, and eventually kind of bad. In particular, I will point you to The Fray's "How to Save a Life." I am sure that this song was probably not actually written to be featured as someone so almost dies in surgery on Grey's Anatomy, but that is how it seems and it makes me nuts. Please. Gross. Stop.
Now, on the show it's one thing, but every once in a while I hear a Grey's song in the supermarket or the coffee shop. It makes me annoyed and sad, simultaneously. I wish these silly songs didn't exist. It's the opposite of a song that reminds you of a fun day, or a hilarious incident, like when my friend and I discovered a mix cd my brother had made for/about his high school girlfriend featuring "Don't Give Up" by the New Radicals, one of the most awesome/terrible songs ever. But every time I hear it, I laugh.
I cannot say the same about The Fray.

People Who Spoil TV Shows

I'm looking at you Time Out Chicago. Thanks for telling me who got kicked off Top Chef last night.

This is the age of DVRs. There's no such thing as appointment television anymore. The one show I care enough about to try to schedule my life around airs on Friday nights (because I'm a nerd), and since I like being married I usually have to wait until Saturday morning to watch. The rest of the shows aren't defining my schedule.

But here's the thing. Just because I didn't watch it last night doesn't mean I won't want to watch it sometime soon. Probably on the weekend when I have more free time. Or some night when I'm going to catch up on a bunch of television. And it's going to be really annoying if I already knows what happens.

There are some obvious boundaries here. I think it's probably fine for me to tell you that Jay wins the first season of Project Runway and that the second season of Lost begins with them finding that Desmond lives in the hatch. Those things happened a couple years ago. It's also ok for me to say that the rag tag fleet finds Earth, and it sucks. But within the first week of a television show airing it is simply inconsiderate to blurt out what happens without fair warning. Fair warning is easy "Hey, did you see Top Chef last night?!" replaces "Oh my god! I can't believe _____ got kicked off Top Chef last night!!" In print and on blogs a bold sentence declares: "spoiler warning: the following paragraph discusses last night's episode." That way when you inevitably give in and read ahead it's totally your own fault. You've been warned.

I'm also not going to tell you how The Murder of Roger Ackroyd ends, unless you ask. You know why? Because that book would stink if you knew the ending going in. Just read and enjoy. The long-term literary merit of reality television shows is much more dubious. However, the immediate entertainment value is similarly ruined if you tell me how it ends.

I just had the realization that most of this blog could be summed up in the following three words: DON'T BE RUDE.

He's Just Not That Into You...

You know what gets my goat? Both the utter rightness and total lack of nuance shown by "He's Just Not That Into You."

It is true. If some guy/girl is giving you the run around, making crazy excuses, pretending to sleep at work, asking to go on a break, not calling you, wants to have a threesome with your best friend, refuses to meet your parents/friends, says he believes in ghosts, doesn't try to have sex with you by Date 3....he probably doesn't like you that much, or maybe it isn't worth it. Cut your losses and run. So right! Thanks, show!

AND yet, the six word phrase that was made so famous in some episode of the "Sex in/and the City" is so completely lacking in nuance, shades of gray, an understanding of the complicated nature of human life--sometimes things are complicated and difficult. Sometimes it is okay to take a break, or maybe the person is scared of families because one time he or she dated a person whose family was super nuts or mean.

All I am trying to say, is that no creepy dating mantra deserves as much press as this nonsense has gotten, and nothing is that easy. Nothing.

And now it is a major motion picture starring everyone on earth, including Ben Affleck and Jennifer Aniston, who play the "old" people.

Bacon

I suspect that this will seem a strange post coming from me. I mean, I really like delicious foods that are not good for me, and yes, one of those foods is bacon. I put it on top of my meatloaf, enjoy bacon sandwiches for breakfast, etc.

But I am getting really annoyed by the general obsession with bacon that is going on. Why are people always talking about how amazing bacon is? Like that is something new- or that they are just totally wild and unusual. I was watching "Ultimate Recipe Showdown" last night, and one of the contestants made a grilled cheese with bacon & heirloom tomato sandwich & served it with a bacon infused tomato soup. One of the judges said, "Hello?- did you call my husband? Because he would have told you that I ADORE bacon. Anything with bacon is good." What? First, that isn't really true. Sometimes you can have too much bacon. Or adding bacon to the scene is too much (in fact, one judge who I found to be the voice of reason said that he didn't need bacon in both the soup and sandwich) Second, be quiet! It has this weird tone of a dirty confession, "oh, I am such a rebel, and I don't care, I will eat unhealthy food." Which is fine- but confessing a love for bacon is hardly out there. It doesn't make you naughty or strongly resisting some kind of pressure from the hippy-health-food culture. Also, it is only bacon that people feel okay talking about like that. When I talk about my extreme love of sausage, butter, or fudge, I get weird looks. But somehow bacon gets a pass. Also, now with the bacon band-aids, bacon bras, I heart bacon shirts... It is too much. Get over it. All you, "oh, I am so good, but I just can't resist bacon!" people- I recommend that you try some more food. There are other things out there. Let bacon just be a delicious food and not some weird fetish object.

ps. I am sure that I have been guilty of what I have spend this post complaining about. But now I have noticed it, and it totally irritates me, so I will be correcting my behavior.

Eating "Downtown"

This was a problem in Chicago, and it is a problem near Penn Station too. There is no place normal to eat "downtown." I either have to buy $19 soup, or fast food. Within 3 blocks of my new office, there are the following fast food chains: McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, White Castle, Grey's Papaya, Dunkin' Donuts, Subway and Starbucks. There is maybe a Japanese restaurant downstairs, a liquor store across the street and a super expensivo midtown style fresh salad place in the first floor of my building. Honest to god, how hard is it to have a regular deli? Or a falafel place?
So it was in Chicago when I worked downtown near the Lake. There were Au Bon Pains (get it? haha) everywhere, with the $45 sandwhich nonsense, and Popeyes.
Where is the reasonable in between. I am not in a damn airport, I am in Midtown Manhattan, for crying out loud. A little common decency.

Light text on Dark Background

Can we be over this please? It's harder to read. It makes your eyes water. For anything other than titles or very short sections of text, light text on a dark background on a website is ridiculous and painful.

Gmail redesign

First, Why didn't you tell me gmail? Why did I have to learn from Lifehacker that new "features" were coming to gmail? I know you've been in Beta for years (which, also, get over yourself gmail), but still.
I'm generally fine with the buttons on top, but why so square? Why so shiny? Why the new font? Why are the same features now on the top as in the sidebar? I know I can customize this, but if you were going to change the way things work up top, why not add new features instead of merely replicating existing ones that were already on the same page? Why is this necessary?

Perhaps I just hate change. Ask me in a few weeks, maybe I won't even remember what is different.

This does remind me that some people use their gmail differently from how I use my gmail. Some of you, I hear, don't archive anything. Weirdos. I bet this is more useful for you.

Snow Umbrellas

You know what makes me nuts? People who walk around in snowy weather with umbrellas. It's not that much precipitation, kids. It takes up massive amounts of new York sidewalk, which is not that wide to begin with. When it is raining, I will (sort of) abide 1,000,000 umbrellas on the streets. When it snows, wear a hat and deal.

Idiots!

Tom Daschle, Tim Geithner, all Democrats: pay your taxes, idiots.

E*Trade/Baby Ads

Terrible. Truly awful. Why is this animatronic robot baby talking like a frat boy? How is this to do with internet stock trading? Why is the baby mean to others? Why does it flirt with other babies? Why does it make me (fondly?) think of that dancing baby on Ally McBeal? Gross. The whole thing is disjointed, bizarre and altogether disconcerting in a way that makes me want to have children less, because I am afraid that my weird robot baby will sit in his high chair and trade internet stocks in an effort to supplement our family income. Ick.
There are a lot of commercials I hate, but having seen this series last night during the Superbowl and at the movie theater the day before, I am fed up.

(Hybrid) SUVs

This borders on the non-trivial, but my ire is perhaps disproportionate, so I think the theme holds. Feel free to comment if I'm wrong.

There are precisely two scenarios where owning an SUV is acceptable: you live in an area with rough access (mountains, dirt roads that cross streams, no roads at all) or you simply must tow other things behind your car. And actually, in the second case, I'm not convinced.

There is no rationale--none--for owning an SUV in the city. I'll bet that Dixie's old Jetta station wagon had more trunk space than any mid-sized SUV. As for the behemoth SUVs, there is no excuse. Most people do not need to drive that much stuff around on a regular basis. If you have many kids, then minivan. If you run a business, a van. If, like Dixie, you find yourself hauling heavy things--props, scenery, musical equipment--every day, then an adorable pick-up truck makes a lot of sense.

Furthermore, many people who say they "need" the space claim that because once a year they go on a big road trip or help a friend move. This is an irresponsible way to calculate what type of vehicle you "need". What should go into the calculation is the daily/weekly routine. The exceptions can be efficiently dealt with as they come up.

I know that SUVs were, for a time, cool. This is on the face of it absurd, and luckily we mostly got over that when gas prices went through the roof and people realized that driving enormous and inefficient vehicles was not a smart move. See: collapse of the American car industry.

I'm sure you all know why I am anti-SUV. In a nutshell, I care a little about the environment. As my sister likes to put it, I care enough not to be an asshole, but not so much as to inconvenience all my friends or completely give up on the comforts of modern life. SUVs are absurd by any measure.

However, buying a new car before you need one is also environmentally irresponsible. If you currently own an SUV in good repair, the most responsible thing to do is to keep driving it until it is dead (or sell it to someone who will do the same). The only purpose for a hybrid SUV is to make people feel like they are making a responsible, hip, green choice by buying one.

This is wrong. I am by no means an expert, but my research indicates that hybrid SUVs are less efficient than most normal, non-hybrid, cars. While there are some minor fuel savings when directly compared with station wagons or bigger sedans, those are for the most part offset by manufacturing methods and materials, not to mention driving styles (if you want a screed on that, email me. I don't want to bore everyone).

In the interest of full disclosure, I have an 8-year old Prius. I got it in February 2001 (happy birthday car!) and for the first two years was often stopped at red lights to answer questions about my weird car. Strangers in parking lots wanted to know if I had to plug it in, and whether I was worried about electrocution (no to both). At the time, I was optimistic that by the time I needed a new car, the hybrid would be obsolete. It was, in 2001, so obviously a bridge technology. Oh, how wrong I was. My Prius is showing signs of age, and it is still cutting edge. So while I support hybrid technology, I'm really sad that it is not further on the way toward obsolescence.

Back to hybrid SUVs. My major problem is that unless you belong to the small subset of people for whom driving an SUV is a necessity, a hybrid SUV is still an irresponsible choice of vehicle. Hybrid SUVs represent exactly the time of "green" consumerism that is actually bad for the environment, and come wrapped with a sense of smugness.

So please. If you just want the hybrid label, and think a Prius is ridiculous looking and tiny (true) consider a hybrid Camry. For the three days a year that you need more space, consider a UHaul ($20/day rental) or a clamshell for the top. Or ask Dixie if you can borrow her pick-up truck. It's super cute.